THONG LEAGUE NEWS FLASH! THONG LEAGUE NEWS FLASH!! THONG LEAGUE NEWS FLASH!!
HARRINGTON’S HEROES EKE OUT A 14 1/2 to 13 1/2 point THONG CUP VICTORY OVER CASTIGLIEGO’S CRUMBS AT THE ALPINE COUNTRY CLUB
Gelsomino and Wardick cry foul and demand a recount!!! Alas, the quick thinking handicap guru, Steve Richtarik, had already shredded all of the cards denying the “Crumbs” a review of the scorecards. However, Thong League Satellite Imagery has been reviewed and has substantiated and certified the victory for Harrington’s Heroes!!! CONGRATULATIONS TO HARRINGTON’S HEROES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOW GROSS – BILL GELSOMINO - 79 1ST LOW NET - BOB MORETTI 66 (88-22); 2ND LOW NET – KEVIN “Big Baby” LAWRENCE 67 (94-27); 3RD LOW NET - PAUL DEMASI 67 (82-15)
CLOSEST TO PINS - JOHN GRAHAM #6; ADAM HARRINGTON #9; NICK MASI #12; MIKE CALISE #15
GROSS SKIN - JOHN GRAHAM - BIRDIE 3 ON HOLE #5 - #1 HANDICAP HOLE
1ST NET SKIN - STEVE RICHTARIK – NET 1 ON HOLE #9 – #15 HANDICAP HOLE; 2ND NET SKIN – DAN DEINZER – NET 1 ON HOLE #15 - 16TH HANDICAP HOLE
Click on the “League Tournament” tab for all the tournament results.
Congratulations to all of the individual award winners!!!
TEAM HARRINGTON TAKES THE LEAGUE REGULAR SEASON TITLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS TO JACK HARRINGTON, JOE MOLIS AND
MATCHES OF THE WEEK - THESE MATCHES ARE BIG! BIG! BIG!
Team Harrington v. Team V. Lafazia
Team Harrington is now in 1st place by 2.5 points over team Gelsomino and 5 points over teams Placella and Vin LaFazia. So all of these matches are crucial in this final week of play. First off, “gentleman Jack” Harrrington will be bringing it against the dapper, Fran Chatelle. The confident Harrington has been a scoring machine these last few weeks but the wily and volatile Chatelle has some surprises up his sleeve for Mr. H. Fran should be benefitting from a few scoring bumps in their match. In the next match, Dominican against Dominican and cousin against cousin will be going up against each other. Player of the year, Mike Taveras has said that he will destroy his cousin as blood means nothing in this match and the only thing that counts is his continued dominance over the hobos in this league. Meanwhile, Ed, who has been known to carry a knife, has quietly stated to all that were in eaershot that “My cousin better not bring a golf club to a knife fight”. Word is that Ed has taken the week out of work and has been pumping iron in the gym 24/7 because as he was heard to say, “I am going to kick my puny cousin’s keesta all over Triggs”. In the final match, Vin laFazia has retreated to a cabin in the woods of western Massachusetts with his lovely wife in order to make a little brother or sister for his son, John. So that leaves Joe Molis holding I don’t know what in their match. Alas, Joe will be playing the card against Vin’s handicap. Remember, no gimmees.
Team Gelsomino v. Team Placella
In this final week’s matches, the top four teams will be battling each other in cross over matches for league supremacy. Gelsomino’s 2nd place team will be up against Placella’s 3rd place team as Bill Gelsomino will go up against the spirited Ron Lamothe. Let’s hope that Ron brings his “A” game as he will also be receiving some gifts from the benevolent handicap guru. Gelsomino will bring out all of his dirty tricks to knock Ron off his game. It looks like Ron is lookin’ to “kick some Gelly ass”!!!! In the 2nd match, otherwise known as the “left over lobster claw match”, Steve Placella will take on Dan Deinzer. Despite Dan’s recent hospitality, Placella has vowed to send Dan back to where he came from, the woods of Buffalo, NY. Dan, however, is offering Placella an unlimited supply of lobsters and stuffed quohoags if he would see fit to throw the match. Let’s see what happens. In the final match, Kevin “Big Baby” Lawrence is taking on Garry Reilly. Reilly, last year’s league individual points leader, has rested control of his team from the short hitting Gelsomino and the results have been impressive. They have steadily moved up the rankings into the 2nd slot, only 2.5 point out of 1st place. “Big Baby” is having none of Reilly’s bravado. Kevin has vowed to slow their match to a near halt if it is need to knock Garry off his game. Garry on the other hand and in order to get Kevin away from his comatose style of play, has vowed to call in a “Gelsomino 150 yard dying quail drive” air strike if it is needed. When asked about this, Garry just said, “Ask Ed Espinal what it did to his game”.
Quiz of the Week: Correctly identify the person depicted in the photo below and win a Pro V1 box. This applies to only 1st year league members and to George Benjamin as he won’t remember him anyways. Please send an e-mail with your guess.
The Lobsterfest Golf Tournament held on Saturday, August 17th at Meadow Brook GC and and sponsored by Dan Deinzer was a huge success. Dan once again went over the top by opening his home and provided and array of wonderful seafood delicacies to our merry band of hobos. A big THANK YOU goes out to Dan for putting in the time and effort to pull this thing off. Of note, Bob Johnson (also known as the little neck Kobiashi), broke the record held by Jim Hunter for eating little necks of the grill in butter by consuming a total of 542. Steve Placella was a distant 2nd with 489. Even “Smilin” Joe Molis took part in the merriment. See below. Steve Placella also injured himself when he tried to dead lift a three pound lobster. See below.
Later this week, look for some observations in anticipation of our final week of play and the Matches that will decide the final standings.
The matches held during Week 14 did not disappoint. As a result, there has been considerable movement in the standings going into week 15 (August 15th). First off, last week’s team leader of Gelsomino, Deinzer & Reilly faltered as Garry Reilly halved his match with Ed “I carry a knife” Espinal and earned “only” 5 points. During the match however, Reilly called in a hit on Ed on the 16th hole. Apparently, Ed was in the 16th fairway as Gelsomino launched one of his patented 175 yard dying quail drives, missing Ed by inches. Word is that Gelsomino didn’t even give him a FORE. Our investigators even have video of Reilly and Gelsomino having an animated conversation on the hole prior to the assassination attempt. This attempt certainly shook Ed up as prior to that time he was kicking Garry’s considerable ass and thereafter Ed lost 2 1/2 of the remaining 3 points. Now I ask you. Is there no honor left in this game??? Now let’s get to Mr. Gelsomino. His match against the formerly “never” but now happily smiling Joe Molis was an uphill battle all the way. After incurring the wrath of handicap guru Steve Richtarik, Bill was giving Joe a digit more than a hand full of strokes. And….. if anyone knows Bill, you know that he would rather have his teeth pulled from his head with a pliers and without novacain than give strokes. Well, Joe smacked Bill early and won the first two holes and was never caught. It seems that each time that it seemed that Bill was cutting into Joe’s lead, Joe would stick a shot close or drop a long putt. The result – Joe Molis 6 1/2 and Bill 3 1/2 points and the Gelly’s boys dropped from 1st to 4th place in the standings. By the way, Garry Reilly is apparently not happy with Bill’s showing this week and has vowed to make some changes if Bill doesn’t start carrying his weight.
The team of Placella, Lamothe and Lawrence nudged into 1st place with 165.5 points on the continued stellar play of Kevin “Big Baby” Lawrence who grabbed 6 1/2 points from Rick Guerra. Rick is obviously still suffering the long lingering effects of having Vin LaFazia as a partner over two years ago. Kevin jumped on Rick early, winning 3 of the first 4 holes and back pedaled into the end zone for the win. In the team’s 2nd match, Steve Placella snatched 6 1/2 points from an injured Bob Moretti. Apparently Bob was injured early in the match when he “accidentally” slipped on some olive oil that had dripped from Steve’s Rabe sandwich (sangwich).
The team of Harrington, Molis and Espinal have been steadily gaining ground on the field and are now in 2nd place with 165 points. Previously relying on the stellar play of “gentleman” Jack Harrington, Joe Molis and Ed Espinal carried the team as Jack was forced to play the card against an absent Dan Deinzer. Molis grabbed 6 1/2 and Ed grabbed 5 points in their matches. Word is that the confident Harrington, intentionally took the night off just to see how his teammates would respond to the season ending pressure. I am sure that he is quite pleased with the results.
The team of Vin LaFazia, Fran Chatelle & Mike “player of the year” Taveras bullied their way into 3rd place with 163.5 points. LaFazia and Bob Brown played patty cake in their match with each of them winning 1 hole and halving the rest. The result is that they each took 5 points. Mike Taveras, taking on all comers this year, smacked the “sweet talking and mild mannered”, Ernie Panos. The result – Mike earned 6 1/2 and Ernie earned 3 1/2 points.
And… finally, the team of Wardick, Johnson & Skwirz have quietly moved into 5th place with 160 points, a mere 5 1/2 points behind the leaders. While Wardick was sucking down shrimp cocktail and calamari at the Alpine CC 3 day member-guest on Thursday, his partners carried the day in their matches. Bob Johnson has quietly earned some big points during the year and again while playing the card against the absent Al DeRaimo. Newcomer, Bill Skwirz, has also amassed an impressive point total and banged former mental patient, Russ Micheli in their match – results – Skwirz – 6 1/2 and Micheli 3 1/2 points.
Realize also that there were several no shows this past week and their matches, if made up, could alter the standings…
Check the Standings tab in the web site to see the up to date team and individual cumulative results.
Well the Gelly Team, led by Bill Gelsomino with Dan Deinzer and Gary Reilly are making their annual run for the roses. Off a strong week 13, they have vaulted into 1st place in the team standings with 154.5 points. Bill Gelsomino has promised his teammates financial inducements for every win and a substantial bonus if they seize the championship. Ray Castigliego’s team with Bob Moretti and Rich Guerra, formerly in the lead, have been dropping like the Titanic and are now in 6th place, some 8.5 points behind the leaders. Steve Placella’a team with Ron Lamothe and Kevin Lawrence remain in 2nd place, a mere 2.0 points behind the leaders. Vin “Maggot” La Fazia’s team, with Fran Chatelle and led by the stellar play of Mike Taveras are in 3rd with 152.0 points. ”Gentleman Jack” Harrington has been on fire lately and has pushed his team of the ever “Smilin” Joe Molis and Ed “I carry a knife” Espinal into 4th place with 148.5 points. Scratching its way into 5th place is the team led by the former “Bambimbo” Jim “Slick” Wardick with Bob Johnson and Bill Skwirz with 146.5 points. With a bunch of crossover matches this Thursday, this could be another week where there is a lot of movement in the standings. Only 3 weeks left….. Who will be the spoiler…
Though the standings after week #13 have yet to be posted, Mike Taveras will certainly have a large lead in the individual points competition as our 14th week of play begins. In 3rd place overall with 69 points prior to the matches of August 1st, it appears that Mike earned 8 1/2 point in his regular match and 7 points in a make up match to pick up a massive 15 1/2 points for the week. Contrast that to Mike’s closest competition, namely, Ray Castigliego, who had 76.5 points, but got smacked down by Gentleman Jack Harrington and earned only 3 points and Steve Placella, who had 71 points, but collided with the G-string himself and earned only 4 points and Mike will have a 5 point league over Castigliego and 9 1/2 point lead over Placella going into week 14. Oh, by the way, Bill Gelsomino called and said watch out for him as he is coming on strong after earning 7 points this week and now has a total of 76.5 points.
By the way, the Week #13 Match of the Week, otherwise known as the “Battle of the Amp Cells”, between Bill Gelsomino and Steve Richtarik took place on the sly during the 12th week. As is his custom, Gelsomino slithered by Richtarik when he wasn’t looking or paying attention. Richtarik was quoted as saying that “I absolutely gave it away to that whiny big mouth. It won’t happen again.” Steve was also overheard saying with disgust, “That Gelsomino can stick his “sign-up sheet” up his bony ass. I run this league now and based upon the precedent set by the past league czar, I will tee off whenever I want and play my matches whenever I want.” Apparently, Richtarik, has aligned himself with the “Dominican twins” and that added muscle has given Steve the nerve to stage what this writer hopes and prays is a bloodless coup. Watch for more moves by the quiet but decisive and ruthless Richtarik.
NOW FOR THE REAL MATCHES OF THE WEEK #13 – AUGUST 1, 2013
(1) JACK HARRINGTON v. RAY CASTIGLIEGO
JACK HARRINGTON – “Gentleman Jack” has been on a roll lately and going low on courses in this area (Triggs and Alpine to name a couple). Through week 12, Jack has accumulated 62 points with 4 birdies and a 4.0 handicap index which is trending lower. He has his team firmly planted in 4th place and they are within 4 1/2 points of 2nd. Jack appears to have recovered from the early season loss of his union brother, Jim Hunter, who had the high flying duo running wild last year. This year, to Jack’s credit, he has been the stalwart of his team and has been an example to his teammates, namely, the “ever” (oops!! should be “never”) positive, Joltin’ Joe Molis and the quiet, but deadly assassin, Ed “where’s my knife” Espinal. Jack has decided to be very low key before this match and to let his immeasurable talent show through. If Jack’s head is on straight, he is consistent in his play and he controls his emotions in the face of a couple of bad shots, , Ray will surely be in for another long night.
RAY CASTIGLIEGO – The “Supersub” has been the most consistent player in his division this year. Through week 12 Ray has accumulated 76.5 points with 5 birdies and a 3.4 handicap index which has been steady for most of the year. Ray has led his team of Bob Moretti and Rick Guerra as they sit in 2nd place after 12 weeks of play. This year Ray has taken on all of his opponents and has won the great majority of his matches except for one or two when he was dealing with debilitating injuries and playing a lesser opponent. The usually soft spoken Ray, vows that he will not get caught up with the emotions that Jack can sometimes bring to the course. He intends to keep it in the short grass and then let his Scotty Cameron do the talking on the greens
(2) MIKE TAVARES v. JOHN LA FAZIA
MIKE TAVARES – Mike is the more vocal member of the of the infamous Dominican Duo, formerly, Dominican Triplets He has been on fire this year with a total of 69 points with one match to make up. Saddled with two slugs for partners, namely, Vin La Fazia and Fran Chatelle (formerly John Vacca before the sex change operation), he has single handedly placed his team in fifth place and a mere 6 points out of 4th. Our investigators have uncovered a somewhat unholy alliance between the Dominican Duo and handicap guru and back stabbing league czar hopeful, Steve Richtarik. After the Duo last year hitched their boat to Jim Hunter’s golf cart only to be left at the alter this year when Hunter decided to become a NASCAR groupie, they have now delivered their considerable clout and muscle to Richtarik’s camp. Richtarik has offered to keep Mike’s handicap at a “comfortable” level for the remainder of this year. By the way, what has happened to Mike’s father in law, Al DeRaimo. We have only seen brief and unseemly glimpses of Al this year. If you will recall last year’s debacle when Al mysteriously broke one ankle and was out for 6 weeks and then when nearly about to return, he broke the other ankle. No Al didn’t incur these injuries when trying to defend against Allen Iverson’s crossover dribble. Though Al isn’t saying, rumor has it that the Dominican Triplets at the time paid a couple of visits to Al. You see a battle had occurred over the rights to teach Mike’s prodigy infant daughter and Al’s first born princess granddaughter, our grand old game of golf. Mike was insisting that it was a father’s right to teach, despite his suspect swing, while Al was claiming a grandfather’s right to teach and limit the father’s right to teach the prodigy a “bad swing”. Needless to say, Al can’t aford to break anything else, so he is keeping his distance for now.
JOHN LA FAZIA – Young John, the owner of a beautiful golf swing and a bunch of talent, has been chafing at the restraints that his father, Vin, has put on him. Though John’s lovely mother has tried to allow John to be a young man, he has rebelled so wildly that he has recently aligned himself with an unsavory and very short character in our league. For a short while, John even went against the family (yes, like Freddo) in a battle over the lucrative health club market. However, it appears that John has been lured back into the fold of his home with the promise of abundant food (when the relatives aren’t around), free family dinners at Andiamo’s with his lovely girlfriend, Mandy, and of course free golf at Glocester CC. Now for the upcoming match. John’s handicap index is presently 6.2 so he should be giving Mike at least two strokes in their match. He has accumulated 63.5 points with 5 birdies to date and because of the absence of his partners, Al DeRaimo (literally) and Russ Micheli (figuratively) during matches, the team is mired in the lower quadrant of the standings. John has vowed to go low on Mike in this week’s match in retribution for Mike once again taking out John’s partner, Al DeRaimo.
MATCH OF THE WEEK #13 - JULY 25, 2013
BILL GELSOMINO VS. STEVE RICHTARIK
BILL GELSOMINO – This match should be a doozie! Gelsomino has been crying for a couple of years now, claiming that Richtarik, who has been handling the handicapping responsibilities for the league, has been persecuting him. Apparently, Bill’s handicap has never gone up in league play, despite some pitifully awful rounds. It seems that Gelsomino, long a rather reluctant giver of strokes in any match, has never voluntarily doled out strokes. In a recent match with a corpse, he was livid when he was embarrassed into giving the cold and stiff one, two a side. So far this year, Bill has his team on a hot streak and presently in 3rd place in the league’s standings after matches of July 18th, week 12. In his individual play, he is also is in 3rd place with 69.5 points. The short hitting Gelsomino vows to take out two years of frustration with Richtarik’s handling of the handicaps in this match.
STEVE RICHTARIK – Steve was recently overheard telling another league member that “He was sick and tired of that ‘baby” Bill Gelsomino, constantly whining about his handicap”. Richtarik has vowed to adjust the handicaps in his favor this week just to let Gelsomino know who really runs this “league”. Of course, the long hitting Richtarik may only see Gelsomino on the tees and greens as his drives will usually be 60 yards in front of Bill’s drives. Gelsomino has tried to use a different tact recently in hopes of having Richtarik relent in his weekly handicap slaps to Gelsomino’s head. You see, Bill recently purchased a “new” Cobra Amp Cell Driver. Even though he doesn’t hit the new driver any longer, he claims that he is hitting straighter. It sure is pretty though. For some reason, Richtarik has bought into this Gelsomino babble, tried Gelsomino’s club and now has bought a Cobra Amp Cell of his own. Gelsomino, long time President of “Gelly’s Golf School”, has even personally fitted and adjusted the driver for Steve. This just shows that Bill will do anything to get his handicap bumped up….
**** NOTE THE DATE CHANGE IN DAN DEINZER’S GOLF TOURAMENT AND LOBSTERFEST FROM AUGUST 3RD TO AUGUST 17, 2013!!!!!!****
DAN DEINZER’S ANNUAL GOLF TOURNAMENT, CLAM BAKE AND LOBSTERFEST - SATURDAY AUGUST 17, 2013 – NARRAGANSETT, RI
Golf Tee times begin at 7:00 am with a Tournament (format to be determined) at Meadowbrook CC followed by a magnificent Clam Bake and Lobsterfest at Dan’s place in Narragansett. Cost: $72.00 for golf w/cart + $25.00 for lobster or steak and clams (little necks on the grill with butter), etc., etc., etc. Bring your own booze or soft drinks. Last year, we had a terrific time. If you are going to attend, you must pay Dan at least a week before the event as he has to order the lobsters, clams, etc., and commit to the golf. Last year a couple of guys committed and paid but didn’t show for the event. Their lobsters went down real easy. Thanks Slick!! Remember, If you commit to Dan and you fail to show, and he is stuck with your golf, lobster, etc., you will have to reimburse him. Please talk to Dan at the course or call him at 401-578-0205, or e-mail him at Bagger2368@verizon.net . This was and will continue to be a great time for all – Golf, food, drinks and friends. It doesn’t get any better than that.
Match of the Week – week 11 - to be played on 7/11/13
Ray Castigliego v. John Graham
Ray “Boom Boom” Castigliego has been running wild this year in his matches. He is presently in 1st place in the individual points competition with a huge 8.5 point lead over his nearest competitor. Additionally, his team is presently in 1st place after week 10. If the season were to end today, he would be the landslide league MVP. In last week’s Match of the Week, Ray slapped around the young prodigy, John LaFazia, like a red headed step child. In the prior week, he bludgeoned the beleagured Paul DeMasi like a baby seal. He has averaged a whopping 6.5+ points per match. League members have grumbled that the former “super sub” must be stopped, and stopped soon. This match could be the start of Ray’s downfall. He is matched against none other that the brash alien, John “G-String” Graham. The confident Castigliego, to his credit, has vowed to wear Graham’s used “Thong” on his head if he loses to the diminutive one.
John “G-String “ Graham is ready to slay the giant. The long hitting Graham vows to be in Ray’s head from the practice green to the final hole. John feels that league players have been too deferential to Ray’s advanced years and should instead, apply constant pressure to the elder one. To get ready for the match and what he believes is his inevitable victory, John has worn the same underwear (Thong) for the last two weeks so that it will be “ripe” when Ray has to wear it on his head after his loss. Graham has the ability to explode and “go low” in any match as shown by his recent “69″ for an 18 hole round at Cranston CC. He is vowing to drop a birdie barage on Ray that will leave Ray disoriented and looking for the RIDE van with George Benjamin. Stay tuned….
Match of the Week – week 10 – played on 6/27/13 John LaFazia v. Ray Castigliego
John “Thank God I am my mother’s son” LaFazia – The “mercurial” John LaFazia, one of the longest, if not the longest hitting player in the league, has been on a tear lately. His recent strong play has his team presently in 5th place and he is among the league leaders in birdies made. Prior to the week 9 results, he was only 5 points behind the league leader Ray Castigliego. While John’s short game can be suspect, he knows that he will have to be running on all cyclinders to beat his consistent opponent. Though he has tarnished the family image by aligning himself with a rival heath club, His mother and father have forgiven him and attributed this error in judgment to youthful exuberance and the influence of the evil, John Graham, who has recently taken John under his wing.
Ray “Supersub” Castigliego - Ray has been on fire after a slow start due to near career ending knee surgery. Apparently his orthopedic surgeon said that the type of injury that Ray had, was due to Ray spending inordinate hours on his knees. Well, we know that Ray is not a priest nor a bricklayer and his injury was not work related… Now for the match… Last week Ray destroyed the work mottled Paul Demasi so viciously that Paul didn’t win a hole. Probably the most consistent player in the league, Ray’s 200 yard bunt drives consistently hit the fairways and his 190 2nd shots regularly hit the greens on the par 4s. Once on the green, he seldom 3 putts. So young John LaFazia will have his work cut out for him in their match. He will need to be very consistent and should probably bring Ray out of his comfort zone by taunting him. This may be difficult. Because of the difference in their drives, they may only pass each other on the tee and green. It also appears that unless Ray tenders some greenbacks to handicap guru, Steve Richtarik, Ray may be giving John at least a couple of shots in their match and this may be the tipping point. This will be a good one!!!
Match of the Week – week 9 – played on 6/20/15 Dan DeQuattro v. Joe Molis
Dan “Pretty Boy” DeQuattro – “Pretty Boy” is one of the longest hitters in the league but he might as well have hooks for hands when it comes to his short game. When Dan is on, it is very difficult to defeat him. HOWEVER (and this is a very big however in his match this week), he has a problem handling relentless trashtalk, especially when it is coming from the “piehole” of “Smilin” Joe Molis. Just last year, Dan missed a 4 inch putt and a 6 inch putt in his match against “Smilin” Joe. After that match, Dan was so distraught that he borrowed either John Graham or Russ Micheli’s razor and shaved every hair on his body, save for that resting on the top of his dome. Fret not however, Dan is a genuinely nice guy who is presently looking for “someone nice” to settle down with. If any one in the league has a wife, girl friend, mother, daughter, son or even a medium size sheep that is eligible, please set him, her or it up with Dan. His biological clock is tick, tick, ticking…
“Smilin” Joe Molis – The ever positive “Smilin Joe” has been waiting for this match all year. While Dan has played a bit better than Joe during the year, Joe can’t wait to snatch a stroke or 2 from Dan in their match. Joe will be sure to bring his full arsenal of verbal assaults to the course in this match. Dan had better wear a thick set of ear plugs and a thicker set of panties if he wants to survive the onslaught. It is sure to begin on the practice green and will easily continue until the last putt is holed out. The lucky twosome to play along side these two in this match will have a great time. So, the question is - Can the “Pretty Boy” finally tune out the verbal assaults of “Smilin” Joe or will “Smilin” Joe’s relentless and never ending verbal abuse continue to wear down the “Pretty Boy’? We will soon find out….
Match of the Week #8 (6/6/13) Jack Harrington v. Jim Wardick Please read and scroll all the way to the bottom of the page as their is some updated information about Match #2
Jack Harrington – This week’s match has two of the better golfers in the league pitted against each other. Jack, so far this year, has underachieved. He has been unable to sustain on a weekly basis, the excellence which he brought to the course last year. It is believed that this is due to the absence of his partners of last year. One a long time former co-worker, Jim “the Gunea Slayer” Hunter and the other being last year’s overall point leader, Garry Reilly. So far this year, Jack’s numbers are nearly identical to Jim Wardick. Jack has earned 24.0 points, with 12 pars and 2 birdies. In the past, Jack has captained the juggernaut G-stringer Thong Cup team to victory in the league’s annual Florida pilgrimage. During that time, Jack stood up to the remarks, barbs and tricks from that year’s captain, Francesco “Frankie the Clipster” Fezzuoglio. Since then, nothing has made Jack’s blood boil more than the mention of his nemesis, “Frankie the Clipster”. Well, guess what. Jim Wardick has always guided and provided support for ”Frankie the Clipster”, and now we hear that they regularly socialize as teammates on a local boccia team. Jack has been heard to say that he will have none of that and that he will rise to the occasion and put a whipping on Wardick and send his wounded carcass as a message to the “Clipster”. Enough said!!!
Jim “Slick” Wardick – Slick is a shell of his former self. As you can probably see, Slick has jettisoned many, many pounds from the end of last season to present. While some may think that this weight loss was from a healthy diet and exercise, we have discovered the real truth. A lifelong front running Yankee fan, previously nicknamed the “Bambimbo”, Slick has vowed that he will not eat another morsel of food until the Yankees again win the World Series. We will check back with Slick in September when the Yanks are eliminated and see if he reconsiders the vow. He will probably weigh about 125 pounds by then. This year, Jim’s performance has clearly suffered from the weight loss as he has also underachieved to the tune of 24.5 points, 12 pars and 1 birdie. Jim has also captained several Thong Cup teams in Florida to the ocean floor much like the Titanic. The team names, such as “Slick’s Sissies, Wardick’s Wussies, etc., have gone down in Thong League lore as rolling over faster than yes, the ill fated Titanic. To be fair, on one lowly occasion in approximately 15 years, Slick has tasted the sweet nectar of victory in our Florida jaunts as the Thong Cup captain. During that time he has mentored and guided Jack’s nemesis, “Frankie the Clipster”, from a cranky and crotchety old bastard to yes and still, a cranky and crotchety old bastard. Slick, has said that he will win this one for the “Clipster”.
*JACK AND “THE CLIPSTER” after their truce in 2005 as the families nearly went to war! (notice “the Clipster” giving Jack the “Italian” finger with his left hand)
*Slick and “the Clipster” getting cozy in 2006 with Slick giving a “lap dance” to an unnamed individual
Match of the Week #7 (continued from 5/30/13 as George was constipated and couldn’t play George is still constipated) Russ Micheli v. George Benjamin
Russ Micheli – This week’s match has mental patient pitted against mental patient in a match that will be nothing short of a “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” remake. Russ, who is generally quiet and reserved but nevetheless a ticking bomb, will bring his vast array of issues and quirks to the course on Thursday. He is sporting a new driver that no one has yet seen as he won’t use if for fear that other golfer’s will make fun of him we guess, because he will hit it the same way that he has “hit” or “not hit” the old one. Russ, whose game was once ruined for 4 years by Paul DeMasi and another unanmed golfer for simply being somewhere in his line of vision on one of his many errant shots, has a very fragile psychie. Yet many would suggest that Russ has the stronger mental outlook of the two. Look for Russ to hit, pitch, chip and bunt his 7 iron over, under, around, through and into the numerous Triggs’ sand traps.
George Benjamin – George is one of the elder statesmen of the league. At 87 years old, he looks damn good for his age. George’s anger management issues are well known as last year he led the Thong League in “most club throws per round” and “most swear words uttered that begin with the letters “F”, “A”, “C” and “MF”. Unfortunately he was dead last in the league in “club throwing accuracy” in that he hit only 2 opponents or playing partners out of 100 throws for a meager 2% accuracy rate. While that doesn’t bode well for George, his opponents and playing partners are elated. Despite all of his shennigans, George was playing very well at the end of last year. Then again, this is another year for George. It looks like the dementia fairy has touched George with a bit of fairy dust as he has forgotten his good swing from last year. It also appears that George will be giving 2 or 3 strokes to Russ. So all in all, if the “RideVan” picks up George from the “home” on time, this should be an entertaining match. By the way, if George’s group happens to get off the tee late, after the match you may see George wandering on Chalkstone Avene. In that case, he has missed the “Ride van” back to the home. DO NOT GIVE HIM A RIDE!!! Please call 911 and they will dispatch the local police as they are equipped with the necessary strait jackets, tasers and disabling mind altering cocktails to ensure that he is safely returned to the “home”…. One last tidbit about George. He was once on a big game hunting trip in Montana or somewhere, and he actually rode a Buffalo. Well…. he didn’t really ride the Buffalo as much as the Buffalo kind of rode him. Apparently, our friend, George, decided to take some pictures of Mr. Buffalo from a distance that was a little to close for comfort. By the way, George had received neither a release nor permission from the Buffalo to take the pictures. We believe that when Mr. Buffalo heard the click, click, click from George’s camera, he apparently recognized it as a mating call. Like George, he probably hadn’t had any lovin’ for a while so he made a bee line or Buffalo line as the case may be, for the source of the click, click, click. Unfortunately George was on the other end of the click, click, click and the two beasts met in a less that tender embrace. When it was all over, George had suffered a broken leg and the loss of his dignity and his virginity. Regrettably, George’s dignity and virginity have been lost forever. Thankfully, George recovered fully from the leg injury and the Buffalo was wearing a condom, so George contracted no additional diseases and no unwanted pregnancy.
The picture below is of Russ Micheli with a new swing thought and one of his drivers which committed suicide.