Well, the 17th annual Florida Golf Trip is now in the books. This year’s designated team names were the “Mostly Dwarfs” and the “Mostly Giants”. The selection of the teams was a small bastardization of Eddie DiMartino’s original, drunken idea to select the teams by height alone. Actually this was done where all but three of the “Mostly Dwarfs” were 5’7″ (mostly Italians and Portuguese descent) or under and the “Mostly Giants” were taller than 5’8″, except for a couple of wee ones.
The results were much the same as in the past. The Dwarfs danced and pranced all over the heavy footed giants and scooted out to a 14 to 4 point lead after the first day of matches. Later that evening, the beleagured captain of the Giants, Jim “Slick” Wardick, gave his “team” an impassioned speech in order to spur them to victory during the 2nd day of matches. Unfortunately, the 2nd day was more of the same as the Dwarfs doubled up their lead and moon walked across the 18th green after the 2nd day with an insurmountable 28 to 8 point lead. Once again that evening, the now maniacal captain “Slick”, now resorted to threatening to physically hurt the under performing members of his “team” if they didn’t perform better during the 3rd day of matches..
Day three began with Walt Geer benevolently offering to double all day 3 points in order to give the “Mostly Giants” a shot at closing the gap. Captain Slick snapped up the offer and close the gap they did. At the end of the day, the cumulative score had been narrowed to 40-32, but still in favor of the “Mostly Dwarfs”. A witness to the “Mostly Giants” pre-game meeting disclosed that maniacal captain “Slick” Wardick had abandoned his physical threats to his team and instead, told his team that if they didn’t close the gap on day 3, he would be sending them all home and was bringing in replacement players for day 4. Apparently the threats worked as the “Mostly Giants” responded and gave them a fighting chance for the Thong Cup with a substantial rally on day 4.
Unfortunately, day 4 saw the “Mostly Dwarfs” stomp the “Mostly Giants” and once again run away with the Thong Cup. Captain Tony Amaral, was the biggest Dwarf of all as he did not lose a match. Amaral was also caught on video calling out the Captain of the “Mostly Giants”, Slick Wardick. Amaral made good on his call out as well. As soon as the Thong League tech gurus can figure out how to post them on this site, they will be here for all to see.
Once again, many thanks to the Buffalo Boys as they excelled in putting on a great spread for all on Monday evening. They never disappoint. May the holiday season and Santa bring them the speedy dismissal of Rex Ryan and his brother from that titanic known as the Buffalo Bills.
Here are some more Christmas gifts and wishes from the Thong League to some of our members:
To Jim “Slick” Wardick – a 152 week course in team management (emphasis on how to handle your underlings and how to handle those who fail or disagree with you) taught by none other than Donald Trump. Given the Slickster’s track record as captain of his team (1 win in 12 attempts), he would have been the 1st person kicked off The Apprentice.
To Frank “the merry clipster” Fezzuoglio - a calculator to help tabulate your score.
To Nick and Vinnie Masi – a vision of your brother in law, Frank, coming down the chimney, dressed as Papa Natale and wearing a huge smile on his face and of course, extra batteries for Frank’s calculator.
To Walt “the perpetual martini” Geer – a year off in 2017 from any golf related administrative responsibilities when on this trip – no captaincy, no score input duties, no determining winners and losers each day and no figuring money payouts. Just pure golf, booze and cigarettes. You’ve earned it. Maybe then you can earn some room money!
To Tony “the Codfather” Amaral – an accurate GHIN handicap index.
To Al “your f*%king me” Ferreira – yet another accurate GHIN handicap index and some whine to go with your cheese.
To Dan “Pretty Boy” DeQuattro – a full year’s collection of salves, creams, gells, razors and the boat load of man scape items that only the “Pretty Boy” can own and use. Oh and of course, an apology from Slick.
To Joe “Smilin Joe” Molis - a 52 week anger management course co-taught by none other than Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin that will have special focus on “how to properly react when you feel threatened, insulted or dissed”.
To Dave “the brother with the personality” Holder - a hall pass to come back yet again next year with your buds and play from the elderly tees and of course, a year or more of smiles and keeping it light at home.
To Tom “my name isn’t Walter” Hebert – yet another year of Jack’s friendship and the ability to stop “your friends” from telling your wife that you made much more money than you actually did in Florida.
To Jack “I’m finally retired” Harrington – an oversized freezer that will hold as many heads as you can possibly imagine.
To Ed “can you rub me right here” DiMartino - Another year of drunken golf trip suggestions and a perpetual golf partner that will voluntarily rub you on demand. And yes, you are a Dwarf!!
To Dan “the Lobsterfest” Deinzer – that the generosity and friendship that you have always given, be given back to you 10 times over and or course, that you receive some whine with your cheese.
Ray “oops I said it again” Castigliego – the ability to occasionally hold your tongue and Paul Verrecchia as your perpetual bodyguard and conscience.
Paul “I’ve retired 4 times” Verrecchia – Enough bullets to properly protect Ray.
Joe “I’m retired at 49″ Ahrens – the health and ability to play 160 rounds of golf next year and the new idol to many of us who are still working.
Dave “pass that one more time” Deinzer – 160 rounds of golf with Joe and the good life in retirement.
Al “I’ve got a suggestion” Belair – the ability to properly run this Florida tournament as Walt Geer relinquishes the reins that he has often held in a death grip.
Ken “I’m speechless” Norigian - an alarm clock and a 4 hour round of golf.
Keith “I’ll have another scotch” Beck – a new roommate or certainly one with an alarm clock.
Ernie Ricci – a son in law with an alarm clock.
Dave “I thought I was a co-captain” Vinacco – the ability to have some input into Slick’s maniacal decisions.
Allen “I didn”t lick that plate” Manguson – a year’s supply of fresh, hot Krispy Crème donuts, a year knowing that you squished Mr. G-string in your match and a pass to return next year.
Stan “Stosh” Geer – a year’s supply of air freshener to clear the air around your ass, another year of daily calls from Mr. G-string and a pass to return next year.
John “G-string” Graham – a year of good health and retirement, 160 rounds of golf, the continued ability to make birdies on demand and of course, a year where he can finally break out of his shell and feel comfortable busting balls and being the center of attention.
Steve “the Commish” Placella – a year where he can finally fit into a medium shirt, the ability to play more than 14 half-way decent holes in an 18 hole round, and of course, the ability to counter John G-String’s ball busting.
And of course great thoughts about our dear friends – Bill Lonardo and George Benjamin. You are in our thoughts.
Finally, in the words of Papa Natale, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!
All in all, it was a great week of golf, great weather, humor and friendship. See you all next year!!!