Filed Under: News
Bill Gelsomino v. Steve Richtarik - This will match the top players from their teams in a battle over the last three weeks of the season for league supremacy. At present, very little separates these teams. You can bet that Steve “Statman” Richtarik, who wet his pants in a double match last week, will have a favorable handicap determination for this match. Gelsomino, who wouldn’t give strokes to a coprse, will be chafing over giving the long hitting “Statman” any candy in this one. Lucklily they will only see each other on the tees and greens as the wannabe long hitter Gelsomino will be hitting 3-4 longer clubs into the greens in this one.
Vin LaFazia v. Ray Castigliego – The slow moving LaFazia, who was unbeaten in league play until very recently, will take on the consistent Castigliego in an attempt to keep his team at the top of the league heap. Both players are very consistent and veterans of match play pressure. So this should be a very hard fought match.
George Benjamin v. Andy Constant – This match should be a doozy. Provided that the volatile and forgetful Benjamin gets delivered to the course on time by the RIDE van, George should be dropping F-bombs and lobbing clubs from the 10th to the 18th hole. George, who neither knows Andy’s name nor recognizes him as a member of the league, will be wondering why he doesn’t have a match this week. Andy, on the other hand, has recently succumbed to the pressures of match play and the unrelenting pressure from his captain, Bill Gelsomino. He has vowed to kick George’s “old, wrinkly ass” from one end of Triggs to the other. Andy, who considers himself the real “A” player of his team, is just itching to show Captain Gelly who is the real ace of the team.
One (1) person, male, not quite 50 years old. Likes to eat. No longer smokes. Great conversationalist. Not too ugly. Has gained weight. Has a very religious, Italian mother who will make food. Has tried his hand at golf for a number of years but has been forceably retired from the game. This offer comes with nearly new golf clubs, irons and driver. These clubs have never, ever, ever been hit on the sweet spot. There also might be a few Titleist Pro Vs or NXTs left in his bag but don’t count on it. They are probably lost with the rest of his balls. He may have other redeeming qualities but we really haven’t found any. All interested please send an e-mail.
Bill Gelsomino vs. Ken Mason - The brash, but short hitting, Bill Gelly has been on a streak lately. Much like Mohammed Ali in his early years, Gelly was telling all who would listen that he was going to destroy Slick Wardick last week. Guess what. He spanked the Slickster from one of Triggs to the other. Even the ghost of the long departed Donald Ross raised an eyebrow and took note. Now, Gelly who for weeks, has been calling out rookie phenom, Ken Mason, has his sights set firmly on Mason and their match this Thursday. Gelly’s party however, was spoiled last week as the extremely methodical Vin Lafazia handed Ken his first loss of the year. Gelly now wants to extend Ken’s losing streak and has not been shy about telling Ken. Ken to his credit has been closed lipped about the match. BUT, Thong League Privacy Violation Expert, John Graham, overheard Ken Mason tell another league member that “I am going to punish that fool”. In fact, Ken was heard to say that “that loudmouth’s grip is a joke, his setup is a joke and each of his recent 237 swing changes are all jokes”. “I am going to kick his old ass from hole #s 10 to 18! He is not even a has been. He is a wannabe has been!”
Slick Wardick vs. Bob Johnson - Another brash talking member of the Thong League feels he has a point to prove. That’s right! Slick Wardick, still reeling from an unprecedented ass kicking served up over 5 days in Florida this past November, has continued his rapid descent causing him to hit the ground with a loud thud after being clubbed into submission by Bill Gelly last week. In fact, Wardick was taken to the hospital for observation of concussive symptoms for taking too many blows to the head in their match. His opponent, none other than the gentleman, Bob Johnson. Bob has been on a recent tear lately never before seen in Thong League annals. His swing is smooth and his irons are accurate. Odds are that the only way Wardick will have a chance in this match is for him to try to intimidate the mild mannered, littleneck loving Johnson. Johnson has said that he is having none of Wardick’s thug tactics. Johnson said that “if I was tough enough to elbow Jim “the Guinea Slayer” Hunter away from the grilled littlenecks at Dan Deinzer’s Lobsterfest a couple of years ago, I can most certainly handle a “lightweight” like Wardick”.
DAN DEINZER’S ANNUAL LOBSTERFEST GOLF TOURNAMENT HAS BEEN SCHEDULED FOR SATURDAY, AUGUST 16, 2014. TEE TIMES WILL BEGIN AT 8:15 AM AT THE MEADOWBROOK GOLF COURSE IN RICHMOND, RI. THE COST OF THE GOLF AND CART IS $72.00 THAT EACH PARTICIPANT WILL PAY TO THE GOLF COURSE. AFTER GOLF WE WILL ALL TRAVEL TO DAN’S PLACE IN NARRAGANSETT. LET THE LOBSTERFEST BEGIN!!! LOBSTER, STUFFED QUOHOAGS AND LITTLE NECKS ON THE GRILL WITH BUTTER, CORN, SALAD AND PICKYS WILL BE THE FARE OF THE DAY. THE COST FOR THE FOOD IS $25.00 PER PERSON TO BE PAID TO DAN. EACH PERSON WILL BRING HIS OWN BEVERAGES, ALCOHOL OR OTHERWISE. THE GOLF TOURNAMENT FORMAT WILL BE DETERMNED WHEN WE KNOW THE LEVEL OF PARTICIPATION. SO PLEASE LET US KNOW IF YOU ARE IN OR OUT. REMEMBER, IF YOU COMMIT AND FAIL TO SHOW, YOU WILL STILL OWE DAN THE $25.00 AS HE HAD TO PURCHASE YOUR FOOD. IF YOU DO NOT EAT SEAFOOD, LET US KNOW AND DAN WILL HAVE A STEAK FOR YOU. WE HOPE TO SEE YOU ON AUGUST 16TH.
Match of the Week will be posted soon as well as a response to the “Statman’s” recent diatribe about his handicap fiefdom.
Match of the Week #4 Vin “Maggot” LaFazia v. John Lafazia
Vin LaFazia - This match once again has all the earmarks of a classic duel between good and evil. The “Maggot”, despite hours and hours and hours of relentless practice, has seen his game drop to the depths of hell. He is so embarrassed by his recent play that he has resorted to limping and dragging his right leg while walking the course. There is nothing really wrong with the leg. Though no one in the league has yet to buy into his LaFazia’s rouse, he is simply trying to evoke the sympathy factor to obscure his poor play. A member of Glocester Country Club along with his lovely and talented wife, Linda, the “Maggot” is clearly the “B” player in their weekly co-ed couples league. In fact, our spy cam recently caught his wife, Linda speaking to Glocester pro, Dave Baluik, and begging him to get her another partner in the co-ed couples league. Unfortunately, the rules say you must play with a spouse or significant other. We heard that Linda was arguing that because Vin did so little around the house, or anywhere else for that matter, that he was an “insignificant other”, so she should be able to drop him as her partner.
John LaFazia - The quiet and popular John, we believe, has gotten all of his personality from the good side of the Gilmore family. Thankfully, he did not acquire any of his father’s surliness. The owner of a sweet swing who seldom plays or practices, John has vowed to take his father apart hole by hole. John was heard to say that “This match is for my MOM!!” Saddled with bad partners in past years, ie., Bill Gelsomino, John hopes his game will flourish by partnering with a younger, better looking and more athletic Gelsomino, namely, Derrick. We hope so. We are expecting a break out year from John.
Vin LaFazia v. Bill Gelsomino
Here we go!!! This week’s Match of the Week has the aging and oft injured Vin “Maggott” Lafazia battling the swing schizophrenic Bill Gelsomino. Due to an injured achilles tendon that occurred either when he was taking a strange trash bag from his garage or when he was passing gas, LaFazia has not been able to get in the practice needed that a worn out dinosaur like himself needs to compete in this league. As a contrast, Gelsomino, with new irons in hand, has worn out the practice mat in his garage with his 2014 “new” swing. Unfortunately, at the first sign of problems with 2014 swing #1, Bill moved right on to 2014 swing #2, then to 2014 swing #3 and now and hopefully, though probably not finally to 2014 swing #4. Rumor has it that Bill has even sought help for his swing from business arch enemy, Bill Iannotti, owner and golf instructor at “Belly’s Golf School & Weinerama”. As a result, Bill’s “new” swing is certainly more deliberate and he is now hitting his drives much like Bill Iannotti, 145 yards down the middle. Despite his injury, Lafazia has vowed to sytematically take Gelsomino apart in their match. Deep down, Vin blames Bill for giving Vin’s son, John, bad swing advice when John and Bill were partners in the past. Sooooooooooo, let the games begin.
The league season begins this Thursday, April 17th, so polish up your clubs and your swing and LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!