Matches of the Week #12

MATCHES OF THE WEEK FOR WEEK #12

 

John “G-string” Graham  v.  Joe “Smilin’ Joe” MolisThis should be a doozy of a match.  Graham has been playing well of late and both his team and he individually are pushing the divisional leaders for league supremacy.  Smilin’ Joe  has been a virtual buzz saw all season long as he has taken on all comers in the “A” division and has sent them packing with a boot in the behind.  Ever humble, Joe said for all that were in earshot, “It’s amazing that each so-called “A” golfer  that I’ve played in this bogus league has succumbed to the relentless pressure that my game places on them and of course, to my winning personality”.  He also said for all to hear with regards to his match against John Graham, “I can’t wait to play that fat, hairless son of a bitch.  I know all of his tricks.  He’s a dead man”.   All Graham, who has suffered hearing loss as a result of his former very strenuous state position, could say was, “What did he say?”   Graham then turned to Vin “Maggott” Lafazia, no slouch in the hearing loss department, and asked him, “What did he say?”  LaFazia then turned to Graham and said, “What”?  Graham then repeated, “What did he say?”  LaFazia said again, “What”?  Graham then repeated, “What did he say?”  LaFazia then said…  WELL YOU GET THE PICTURE…  This should be a very, very, very volatile match.

Bob Moretti  v.  Jim McLaughlin - Bob and newcomer, Jim are each ranked #1 in the B1  & B2 individual standings respectively at this stage of the season.  While Jim ran off to an early lead in the individual points race and has led the division for  most of  the season, Bob has been on fire of late and caught and passed Jim Meikle a few weeks ago.  At present, both guys have earned 59 1/2 points so far and each is clinging to a two (2) point lead over his 2nd place divisional challenger.   Because both of these guys are gentlemen, I doubt if there will be any trash talking going on.  In fact, both of these guys are pretty quiet, so there may be no talking at all…  This will be a great match to watch.

Jim Meikle  v.  Tom “TO”  O’Hearn - Jim is in 2nd place in the B1 division and Tom is tied for 3rd in the B2 divisions.  While each has led his own division at varying times this year, each golfer comes into this match in a bit of a slump and looking a bit dazed and confused.  Meikle has yet to get settled after taking a week off and having no points awarded for that week and O’Hearn appears to have hit the wall over the last few weeks.   It seems that O’Hearn, a staunch Democrat and Hillary Clinton supporter, led his division for a good stretch this season.  Apparently, “TO”  didn’t like the view from the mountain top and has quickly slid down to a more comfortable 3-4 position in his division.  “TO”s mom,  a wonderful woman who is a devout Catholic of Itlalian descent, has taken out all of the stops for this match.  She has worn her rosary beads down to a nub, and has met with her local pastor, the Bishop and the Pope in order to get them on board with the “prayer train” for “TO”.  She has traveled near and far in search of a miracle for her bambino, “TO”.  Failing that, word is out that “TO”s mom is carrying an ice pick and has vowed to place it cleanly, quietly and with finality into the ear of any of “TO”s opponent.  Our investigators report that she may be disguised as “TO”s caddy this week.  So Jim, a word to the wise… If you see a short,  little old Italian lady adorned with rosary beads and lugging “TO” s bag from his car, stay in your own vehicle and forfeit the match.  This can only end badly for you….

 

HOORAY!!! HOORAY!!! HOORAY!!! HOORAY!!!

imageSMILING JOE MOLIS MADE THONG LEAGUE HISTORY THIS PAST THURSDAY NIGHT WHEN HE BECAME THE  FIRST LEAGUE MEMBER TO CARD A HOLE IN ONE IN LEAGUE PLAY.  JOE, USING A SAWED OFF 9 IRON ON THE 14TH HOLE, ALONG WITH HIS PLAYNG GROUP, HAD A CLEAR VIEW OF THE HISTORIC SHOT AS IT HIT, ROLLED AND DOVE INTO THE CUP.  PLAYING IN MOLIS’ GROUP, RAY CASTIGLIEGO TRIED TO TAKE CREDIT FOR THE SHOT AS HE APPARENTLY YELLED “GO IN”  AS MOLIS’ BALL NEARED THE HOLE.  RAY HAS INSISTED TO ALL WITHIN EARSHOT, THAT THE BALL OBEYED HIS COMMAND.  SO, TO ALL LEAGUE MEMBERS, WHEN YOU SEE JOE NEXT WEEK, GIVE HIM A HUG AND A PECK ON THE CHEEK FOR HIS ACCOMPLISHMENT. I AM SURE THAT HE WILL RECIPROCATE.  ALSO, FOR JOE’S FEAT, THE LEAGUE WILL BE PRESENTING HIM WITH A TWO NIGHT STAY  FOR TWO AT  “THE BACK DOOR CUDDLE AND BUBBLE LODGE”.  JOE HAS ALREADY SELECTED  HIS LONG TIME PARTNER, “PRETTY BOY”  DAN DEQUATTRO AS HIS “LUCKY”  TRAVELING COMPANION.  RUMOR HAS IT THAT DAN IS ALREADY HAVING HIS BODY BUFFED AND IS PACKING HIS FAVORITE LOTIONS, GELLS AND LUBRICANTS…

 

ON ANOTHER FRONT,  BILL “GELLY” GELSOMINO, FULFILLING HIS BUCKET LIST DREAM THIS PAST WEEKEND, SET ANOTHER RECORD THAT MAY NOT BE SURPASSED FOR MANY, MANY YEARS.  THE REASON THAT IT WILL PROBABLY ENDURE FOR MANY YEARS, IS NOT THAT IS WAS HARD TO ACHIEVE, BUT THAT IT WILL BE HARD TO FIND ANYONE NUTS ENOUGH TO ATTEMPT  THE FEAT.   ON JULY 9TH, WHILE AT THE BAREFOOT RESORT AND GOLF CLUB IN NORTH MYRTLE BEACH, SOUTH CAROLINA WITH HIS LOVELY AND VERY UNDERSTANDING WIFE, DONNA, BILL, OVER A 12 HOUR PERIOD OF TIME, PLAYED ALL 4 CHAMPIONSHIP COURSES AT THE RESORT.  THAT’S RIGHT!  HE PLAYED 72 HOLES ON 4 REGULATION COURSES, IN ONE DAY AND IN THE SPACE OF 12 HOURS.  JUST AS HE PREFERS, BILL PLAYED WITH HIMSELF FOR ALL 4 ROUNDS.  CONGRATULATIONS BILL!!! 

 

 

 

 

 

A View from the Scorer’s Table at the Half

Just past the half way point in the season, some interesting and yes surprising results are on the scorer’s table.

Rookie of the 1st half:  Jim McLaughlin – This previously unknown newcomer has been bulldozing his way through  opponent after opponent.  Easily leading his division by a wide margin in individual points, Jim’s consistent and spectacular match play has kept his team in 1st place during the first half of the season.  His play has even caused his team captain, Vin LaFazia, to bust out into a rare smile when Jim’s name has been mentioned.   

Comeback Players of the 1st halfTom “TO” O’Hearn  and Bill Iannotti – Both Tom and Bill took last year off from league play in order to work on their games.  Last year, Tom chose to weed out all of the demons that had crept into his game and Bill chose to fix his game by bulking up through gastronomical therapy.   Regardless of the journey, each player has been a force in his individual play this year.  Tom and Bill are #s 1 & 2, respectively,  in  individual points in their division.  Tom, as you may remember, was unceremoniously traded by team captain, Steve Placella, on draft night for Kevin Lawrence, who was at that time, on the PUP (physically unable to perform) list.  O’Hearn, when he heard of the trade, told anyone who would listen that “that fat bastard, Placella,  will rue the day that he traded me.  This trade will be in the same category as when the Red Sox traded Babe Ruth to the Yankees”.  So far, Tom has been correct, except for the “fat bastard” part of course.  Tom’s play has kept his otherwise underperforming team within striking distance and in the mix in 5th place at this point in the season.  As a result, O’Hearn’s team captain, Steve “Statman” Richtarik, is a shoe in for league executive of the year for his role in orchestrating the trade with the befuddled Placella.  Bill Iannotti’s play to this point has placed his team in 3rd place and just a few points behind the league leaders.   In fact, it has been reported that Iannotti recently had a long meeting with team captain, Ken Mason,  regarding his role on the team and some new perks that Bill could expect.  Word is that team captain, Ken Mason, will be personally scrubbing Bill’s balls prior to each match…

Underachievers of the 1st half: Bill “Gelly” Gelsomino & Jim “Slick” Wardick - We never saw this coming.  Ever the competitors,  Bill and Jim have become a parody of themselves.  Now, other league members now just point, whisper and even laugh at them.  Gelly has gone 0 for 8 in his matches, failing to win any in the 1st half.  Bemoaning the fact that he is giving substantial strokes in each and every match, it seems that Bill has thrown in the towel, knowing that the “Statman”  and his mysterious handicapping program will continue to keep that weight on Gelly’s back.  Gelly, whose team has jumped between last and next to last in the league standings all season to date, was heard to say recently, “All that remains is to get ready for the playoffs”.  Even Ernie Panos, the only student in “Gelly’s Golf School”, and a staunch supporter,  has been wavering.  He was seen huddling with Bill Iannotti recently and thereafter wolfing down 3 wieners all the way with a coffee milk.  “Slick” Wardick’s game is anything but slick.  In fact it has been stuck in the mud for weeks now.  He has been getting pounded each week by who he thinks are lesser opponents.  Unless Slick picks up his game and fast, “Mediocraty” will soon become his new nickname.  Ever confidant, Slick recently stated to anyone who would listen, that he has been making some swing changes and expects to become his old intimidating self in the 2nd half of the season.  We shall see and soon…

Results from Matches of the Week #7 June 9, 2016 & Week #6 Results

Bill Iannotti  destroyed  the demur Ernie Panos in this hotly contested match, 6 1/2 points to 3  1/2.  From the first hole on, Iannotti controlled the match while Ernie was seen flailing his arms and heard shouting out  the names of various parts of the female anatomy.   At the conclusion of the match, Ernie ripped off his Gelly’s Golf School shirt, urinated on it and then threw it into the trash while screaming to all within earshot, “that fu#*ing Bill Gelsomino is a fraud.  I’m done with that bootleg school.  I’m  going with “Belly’s” Golf  School & Weinerama”.  Hey Mr. Iannotti,  I’ll take 6 weiners all the way and a coffee milk”.

Steve “Statman” Richtarik flexed his muscles in his much anticipated match against Jim “Slick” Wardick.   The Slickster didn’t win a hole against the “Statman” as the aging behemoth stormed off to his lair without comment after the match.  The “Statman” was all to eager to comment on the slaughter by yelling to all nearby,  “I am the greatest!!  I am the greatest!!  I am a very pretty man!!!  I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee!!!  Immediately after the match, the “Statman” jetted off to Louisville, KY for the funeral of his mentor.

Ken Mason annihilated  ”that old fool”, Bill Gelsomino,  by a score of 8  1/2 points to 1  1/2  in their match.   The death rattle in Gelsomino’s game could be heard throughout Triggs last Thursday.  ”Gelly”  who has yet to win a match over the first 7 weeks of the season, is at a loss to explain ‘what the hell has happened to his game’.   Word is out that Gelsomino is contemplating retirement as we have been told that he has signed up for a Thursday night over 80 senior  shuffleboard league that begins on July 7th.   When Ken Mason heard of this recent development, he offered this comment, “That old fool is an anchor on the A division.  Virtually every point he has gotten this year has been a pity point.  He’s gonna get his ass kicked in that shuffleboard league too.  Good riddance!”

REMEMBER!  THIS THURSDAY JUNE 16TH  IS A TEAM EVENT.  YOU WILL PLAY IN A FOURSOME (OR WHOM EVER SHOWS UP FROM YOUR TEAM) WITH ALL OF YOUR TEAM MEMBERS.  TAKE THE 2 BEST BALLS ON EACH HOLE.   EACH PLAYER’S BALL MUST BE USED ON AT LEAST 2 HOLES.  HANDICAPS ARE IN PLAY.  THE “STATMAN” WILL PROVIDE THE CARDS.  CASH PRIZES TO THE WINNERS.  ALL GOLFERS SHOULD TRY TO BE AT THE COURSE BY 4 PM IF POSSIBLE SO THAT THINGS CAN MOVE ALONG.  NOTE!! IF YOU ARE NOT SHOWING UP, LET STEVE RICHTARIK KNOW BY WEDNESDAY AT THE LATEST.

 

Match #1:   Bill Iannotti  v  Ernie Panos:   Iannotti, the owner of  ”Belly’s Golf School and Weinerama”, has long coveted Ernie’s golf potential and has aggressively pursued him as the shining star of his golf school.  Panos, on the other hand, continues to have an illogical and delusional allegiance to aging former athlete, Bill Gelsomino and his pathetic Gelly’s  Golf School.  As the only student in Gelly’s Golf School, Ernie realizes that he carries the fiscal success of the school on his sagging shoulders as Gelly has bet his retirement and the proverbial ranch on its success.  You can bet that Iannotti will put the hard sell on Ernie and play to destroy Ernie in their match, just to show him what could be if he joined “Belly’s” ranks.   Look for Bill Gelsomino to try to get into their foursome in order to give Ernie some ongoing encouragement and tips.  Prediction:  Belly  7  Ernie  3.

Match #2:  Steve “Statman” Richtarik  v  Jim “Slick” Wardick:   After last week’s handicap miscue by the “Statman”  and his vow to “give no more strokes”, you can bet that Steve, our handicap guru, will be getting and not giving strokes in this match.  Though he beat up on the nubile rookie, Gus Delfarno, last week, it was certainly clear by all observers that “Slick”  no longer carries the aura of authority and intimidation that has surrounded him for so long.  Whispers have abounded this year that “Slick’s” game is way beyond its prime  and he is just hanging on like  CC  Sabathia in the last year of his contract. Prediction:  Statman  6  Slick  4.

Bill Gelsomino  v  Ken Mason:   ”Gelly” , who has been taunting the sweet swinging Mason for years, may meet his match this week.  Mason, who last year called Gelly a scrawny old fool and said that Gelly couldn’t be a has been athlete because he is “a never was athlete”, has vowed to destroy Bill in their match.  Bill, on the other hand, has taken the week off from work and has been feverishly hitting balls into his back yard net in hopes of finding any swing that works and is repeatable.                               Prediction: Mason 6 1/2 to 3 1/2.

 

 

 

WEEK # 6  RESULTS   BELOW

Bill Iannotti  v  Tom  ”TO”  O’Hearn    Well the bubble has burst!!  Bill Iannotti crushed  ”TO” in their  match by a score of  7   1/2  to  2   1/2 points.   O’Hearn,  had been riding “high” the last few weeks, winning match after match after match in decisive fashion and singlehandedly carrying Steve Richtarik’s team to the upper echelon of the league standings.   Alas, as Bill Iannotti stated immediately after their match, “TO” went down as fast as a $2 hooker”.  Iannotti rode  ”TO”  hard from the first hole to the last and O’Hearn has the whip marks, both real and psychological, to prove it.  The question now is can “TO” rebound in his week 7 match against Armand Monaco.  Monaco, who took note of the “TO” beating,  immediately scooted off to the gym and started working on his body in an attempt to get his cardio up and his body fat % down.  Armand has vowed to destroy “TO” in their match.  

Jim “Guinea Slayer” Hunter  v.  Fran Chatelle    The “Guinea Slayer”  scored points on 8 out of 9 holes and cruised to a 6  1/2  to 3  1/2 point win over the the dapper Frenchman.  Taking a respite from his weekly  slaughter of the league’s Italo-American members, Hunter trained his sights on Chatelle, a French apologist.  In a fashion true to his heritage, Fran was on the run and hiding throughout the match.  After the match, Hunter was heard to say, “Bring on the next Bum, but with a vowel at the end of his name!!”  Next opponent for the “Slayer”,  Bob Masello.

Bill Gelsomino  v  Ray Castigliego   Bill Gelsomino’s descent into mediocraty continues.   Ray Castig, always the gentleman, cruised to a 6  1/2  to  3  1/2 point win over Gelly.  At one point Ray won three straight holes putting the match out of reach.  Gelly, who is now just as accustomed to making double bogeys as he used to be making pars, has been on a downward slide lately.   After the match, Ray Castig was heard to say loud enough for all to hear, “Now I can tee off whenever I want”!!!  

Steve “Statman” Richtarik  v.   Mark Zito    The “Statman”  was absolutely embarrassed by newcomer and Richtarik’s co-worker, Mark Zito.   Zito crushed the “Statman”  by running away with an 8 to 2 point win.  Richtarik was never in the game as Zito ran roughshod over him from the first hole.  Apparently the “Statman” hit the wrong keystroke on his computer and instead of having Zito giving the “Statman”  7 strokes during the match, all of the candy was given to Zito.  ”Statman” , embarrassed by the beat down and more embarrassed by the handicapping error, has vowed to never give strokes again.

Results from Week #5

The Maggot v. The Statman    Last week, Vin “Maggot” Lafazia vowed that he was going to crush  Steve “Statman” Richtarik  in their week 5 match.  LaFazia, whose league play over the past 2 weeks has shriveled up like the genitals of an old man sitting in cold water,  was destroyed in their match.  The “Statman”, whose best shot is manipulating the league handicap program, generously doled out 2 strokes to himself in this match and proceeded to shoot a gross  1 over par 36 on the daunting Triggs front 9.  Lafazia, a veteran and Purple Heart recipient, was wounded early by the sharp shooting Richtarik and never recovered from the “Statman’s”  early assault.   The “Maggot”, by all accounts appeared dazed and confused as he waddled off to his truck en route to a wonderful dinner prepared by his lovely wife, Linda.   We will see who Vin has his sights set on this week.

Tom “TeeO” O’Hearn  v  Jim McLaughlin  In week 5, Tom O’Hearn continued his assault on his league opponents by slapping around rookie, Jim McLaughlin.  ”TeeO”  shot a smooth 46 on Triggs front 9 and ran away from the rook with a  6  1/2 to 3  1/2 point win.  O’Hearn, as he walked off the 9th green, was heard to say loud enough for the rook to hear, “That’s how its done in the Thong League punk!!”   “TeeO”, who is now the point leader in the entire “B” division,  is now looking for his next victim.  Watch out, Bill Iannotti.

Ken Mason  v  Gus Delfarno    Ken Mason played with himself in week 5 and grabbed 6  1/2 points from an inexplicably absent Gus Delfarno.  Mason, as he took a long draw on a cigarette after his round, said that he enjoyed going solo and was quite satisfied with himself this week.  Ken said that he hoped that he could play with himself again next week.

Matches of the Week #5

Vin “Maggott” LaFazia  v  Steve “Statman” Richtarik:     The “Maggott”, who has been at or near the top of the individual points race all year, has been waiting for this opportunity to take some frustrations out on  the “Statman”.   Both of their teams have been cruising along at or near the league lead all year as well.  Vin thought he heard Richtarik say something about him last week and he didn’t like the Statman’s comments about Vin being a “grumbler”.  The Statmen who has, over the years, wormed his way in as league handicap guru, now has absolute and total control over league handicaps with no transparency or oversight at all.  This unthinkable situation has resulted in Steve’s team, always a league doormat, being one of the league’s front runners.  Lafazia was heard to say that Richtarik had his son, formerly, John LaFazia, now know as  “Abdul Shava d’Boosh” giving the good looking Steve Placella 2 strokes in their match last week and this resulted in a match that wasn’t even a close shave for d’Boosh.  Lafazia said that he’d better be getting strokes and not giving any in their match, or else!!

Tom O’Hearn  v  Jim McLaughlin:   Tom O’Hearn (TeeO), a former Thong League member who is new to the league this year, has been flying high each week and is now the total points leader in his division.  He  will be playing newcomer, Jim McLaughlin, who is an unknown quantity as he has only 4 matches under his belt.  Jim however, is up near the top of the individual point totals in his division.  TeeO has vowed to slow down McLaughlin and has stated that he may use the 4-corners offense to do so.  It is interesting to note that TeeO’s team captain is none other than league handicap guru, Steve “Statman” Richtarik.  As a result, we are quite sure that TeeO will be the beneficiary of a bushel full of strokes in this match.  Welcome to the Thong League, Jim.

Bill Iannotti  v  Paul Autiello:   Former Thong League member who is new to the league this year, Bill Iannotti, and recently back from a cruise where he nearly ate himself  to death, is playing league newcomer, Paul Autiello.   Both are near the top of their division in total points earned.  While Paul has been “on” in the odd weeks and “off“  in the even weeks of his 4 previous matches, Iannotti, who has 20 points in only 3 weeks of play, has had laser like focus in each of his matches.  One could only surmise that the cause for Bill’s keen and sharp focus is that he has a piece of double chocolate cake waiting in his car after the match.  More problems for Paul is that Bill’s swing speed recently topped out at an amazing 57 mph.  Neither of these guys are on the Statman’s team so their handicaps should be fairly distributed. 

Player of Note:   Paul Volpe is off to a torrid start this year.  His drives are 20-25 yards longer than last year and according to John Graham, who has been watching Paul’s body for nearly a year now,  there is more muscle packed onto his frame.  When asked about the reason for this enormous increase in the distance in his drives, Paul merely states that he now has learned the proper hinging of his wrist at the top of the swing.  Wait a minute now….    Paul, a doctor of physical therapy, who is firmly implanted in the medical field and the world of pharmacology, is asking league members to believe this “tall tale”.  Apparently a complaint has been filed with Thong League Rules Committee chairman, Jim “Slick” Wardick.  Wardick, whose committee hasn’t made a ruling in 4 years, said he is looking into it and may have league member, John “G-string” Graham forceably extract a urine sample from Mr. Volpe.  More on that later…

Match of the Week #4 May 19th

Steve “Statman” Richtarik  v.  Jim “Guinea Slayer” Hunter – This match is a made for TV show.  It is a classic Good against Evil showdown.  The quiet but power hungry “Statman”, who is 1/2 Italian on his mother’s side, has vowed to put his own hit on the “Guinea Slayer” and strike a blow for all Italians from Rhode Island to Sicily.  Hunter who, in the past, has successfully paid several visits to the “Statman’s” palatial estate in Cranston in order to ensure a more favorable handicap for upcoming matches, has stated that he can now legally beat the “Statman’s” brains in without the fear of going to jail.   Hunter will use all of his resources in an effort to ply the “Statman” with all kinds of liquor during this match.  With regards to handicaps, word is that the “Statman” has been working nonstop on his handicap program in his own efforts to elevate his handicap and to lower that of the Guinea Slayer.  In any event, fireworks will be nonstop during the match.

Players of Note    Tom O’Hearn, who, in a blockbuster trade on draft night, was sent packing from his former team  like a pregnant one-eyed hooker with a venereal disease, has been on fire of late.  After the first three matches of the season, Tom is undefeated and the leading points earner on his team with 18.  Apparently, the kind and gentle hand of captain Steve Richtarik suits O’Hearn well.  Tom has also shown that his game travels well as in a recent charity tournament, he led his team to a 3rd place finish by canning 3 birdie putts of at least 20 feet and several par putts in the 10 foot range.  O’Hearn nows carries the confident swagger of an Irish-Italian Tiger Woods.   It has been rumored that Tom is about to sign a mega contract and endorsement deal with “Belly’s” Golf School, owned and operated by the Thong League’s own, Bill Iannotti.  Tom rebuffed Bill Gelsomino’s attempts at getting him in the fold at “Gelly’s” Golf School because he felt that Gelsomino, over the years, has never really tried to elevate Tom’s game and that the only person presently attending “Gelly’s” has shown virtually no improvement in his game over the past 2 years and plays with too much emotion due to the enormous pressure placed upon him by Gelsomino to be the face of Gelly’s Golf School.  O’Hearn much prefers the laid back and casual atmosphere at “Belly’s”  where he can hit 3 0r 4 balls and then sit down and enjoy an unlimited supply of free “hot weiners” all the way and washed down with a large coffee milk.  The final rumor flying around is that Tom is incredibly back on the trading block where on draft night, he was traded for an empty bag of donut holes, captain Steve Richtarik is now seeking a king’s ransom for O’Hearn’s services.  As the season wears on, someone may be willing to give a lot for Tom’s services.  By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that the pregnant, one-eyed hooker was seen running from O’Hearn’s condo in North Providence.  More next week from this source….

Week #2 Matches of the Week

WEEK  #2 –  MATCHES OF THE WEEK

Match #1  - Jim “Guinea Slayer” Hunter  v.  Gus Delfarno –  Jim Hunter’s streak of not losing  to a league member of Italian heritage is still intact.   Last week Hunter and newcomer,  Mark Zito, waltzed to a 5 point tie.  Apparently, the Slayer couldn’t  entice Zito into  drinking enough alcohol to severely affect his game and turn the match in Hunter’s   favor.  After the match, Hunter  immediately sent a crew of old        school teamsters to  Steve Richtarik’s palatial estate in Cranston in order to “coax” a  more favorable  handicap for this week from our own  handicap guru.  This would  appear to be a  problem for newcomer, Gus Delfarno, in  this week’s match.  Gus, who spanked league  namesake, John “G-string” Graham last week (though some say Graham enjoyed the  spanking as much as he hated losing), has already begun  to downplay his quick start by  ”begging” all who could read, that last week’s results were an aberration.  Look for  league handicap guru, Steve Richtarik, to take some  liberties with Delfarno’s virgin  handicap in this week’s match.  We are not sure  whether Richtarik will mess with  Gus’ handicap because of last week’s play or  because of the visit that was paid to his home by Hunter’s boys.  Look for Steve Richtarik and ask him this week.  He will be the guy with the bandage on his head who is limping around the course.

Match #2 – Bob Moretti  v.  Ernie Panos The quiet and deliberate, Bob Moretti, will face off  against newly minted “hole in one king”, Ernie Panos.  Ernie, who has recently spent  a considerable amount of time at Gelly’s Golf School, appears to have a more mature  outlook to his game.   The question here is whether Bob can bring out the “old” Ernie in this week’s match where Ernie was not averse to uttering a string of expletives that would make a Marine blush while firing his club into the turf in an attempt to aerate the ground at his feet .  Also, rumors are also swirling that “Belly’s”, Bill  Iannotti’s golf  school, has been attempting to recruit Ernie away from Gelly’s Golf School.  We will  see if Ernie is sporting his “Gelly” shirt this week.  One of our  reporters overheard  Ernie griping that he is the one who has put Gelly’s on the map,  not vice versa and that if he is expected to stay in the Gelly camp, he will need  yet another Gelly’s shirt.   

Week #1 Match Results

HOORAY FOR ERNIE!!!!!    Yes that’s right, you heard it here first!!  Our own Ernie Panos, and the only member of Gelly’s Golf School, scored a hole in one at the 3rd hole at the  North Kingstown Golf Course this past Sunday.  Typically, Ernie was closed lipped about his recent success, though Bill Gelsomino, Ernie’s mentor and swing coach, was all to eager to take all of the credit.  Don’t worry Ernie, I will get the word out.  It appears that the drinks are on Ernie next week!!!!

John “G-String” Graham’s hopes for an undefeated season were dashed this week by newcomer upstart, Gus Delfarno.  Gus threw a cool “40″ at the diminutive but chubby Graham who rolled his way to a “45″.  The results:  Delfarno walked away with 7 points while the newly retired Graham skulked off with only 3 points. 

Bill Gelsomino and Steve “King of Myrtle Beach”  Placella clashed once again in this week’s  matches.  Placella, in rabbit like fashion, scooted off to a 3 hole lead after 4 holes over the struggling Gelsomino.  Not to be deterred, Gelsomino played even par over the next 4 holes and took a 1 hole lead going into #9.  Alas, the come back victory was not to be for Gelly as he double bogeyed the final hole and the match was halved.  Results:  King of MB 5; Gelly 5.  As both golfers recently returned from a tournament where Gelsomino was dominated in all but one match, it seems he has some work to do in the make shift driving range in his yard.  

The other Gelsomino, that’s right, young Derrick, threw a “44″ at newcomer and new father, Ken Norigian, who  limped in with a 51.  It appears that Ken tired after 3 holes, no doubt the result of numerous nightly diaper changes and breast feedings.  Don’t worry Ken.  It will get better, both your golf and your nocturnal adventures.  Results: Dgel  7 1/2; Ken 2  1/2.

Mike Simone, a returnee to the league this year, had his first match against the affable, good looking and yes, well dressed, Fran Chatelle.  This match was a doozie as both golfers shot 42 and and the difference was the welcome stroke that league handicap guru, Steve Richtarik  had Fran give to Mike on the 3rd hole.   Results:    Mike – 6; Fran 4.  Fran, who is used to getting, not giving strokes in his matches,  took off after the round to find his former friend and handicap guru Steve Richtarik, in search of some retribution for what he feels is Richtarik’s betrayal.

More to come….

 

Teams and Match Schedules

At the league meeting held on March 31st, the teams were randomly selected.  So click on the “Teams” tab on this website to take a look.

 

The schedule is out!!  Steve Richtarik has worked diligently through the night to come up with the match schedules for all.  Once again this year there will be 2 or 3 must see matches each week with certain players chirping and chirping and chirping!  The schedule has been posted and can be viewed on this website by clicking on the “schedule”  tab.  Remember, mark those matches where you want to bludgeon a certain opponent.

Voluntary practice Rounds on Thursday, April 14th and April 21st – tee times begin @ 4:16 pm.   Golfers new to the league, please keep your scores and give them to either Steve Placella or Steve Richtarik.