Matches of the Week #5

Vin “Maggott” LaFazia  v  Steve “Statman” Richtarik:     The “Maggott”, who has been at or near the top of the individual points race all year, has been waiting for this opportunity to take some frustrations out on  the “Statman”.   Both of their teams have been cruising along at or near the league lead all year as well.  Vin thought he heard Richtarik say something about him last week and he didn’t like the Statman’s comments about Vin being a “grumbler”.  The Statmen who has, over the years, wormed his way in as league handicap guru, now has absolute and total control over league handicaps with no transparency or oversight at all.  This unthinkable situation has resulted in Steve’s team, always a league doormat, being one of the league’s front runners.  Lafazia was heard to say that Richtarik had his son, formerly, John LaFazia, now know as  “Abdul Shava d’Boosh” giving the good looking Steve Placella 2 strokes in their match last week and this resulted in a match that wasn’t even a close shave for d’Boosh.  Lafazia said that he’d better be getting strokes and not giving any in their match, or else!!

Tom O’Hearn  v  Jim McLaughlin:   Tom O’Hearn (TeeO), a former Thong League member who is new to the league this year, has been flying high each week and is now the total points leader in his division.  He  will be playing newcomer, Jim McLaughlin, who is an unknown quantity as he has only 4 matches under his belt.  Jim however, is up near the top of the individual point totals in his division.  TeeO has vowed to slow down McLaughlin and has stated that he may use the 4-corners offense to do so.  It is interesting to note that TeeO’s team captain is none other than league handicap guru, Steve “Statman” Richtarik.  As a result, we are quite sure that TeeO will be the beneficiary of a bushel full of strokes in this match.  Welcome to the Thong League, Jim.

Bill Iannotti  v  Paul Autiello:   Former Thong League member who is new to the league this year, Bill Iannotti, and recently back from a cruise where he nearly ate himself  to death, is playing league newcomer, Paul Autiello.   Both are near the top of their division in total points earned.  While Paul has been “on” in the odd weeks and “off“  in the even weeks of his 4 previous matches, Iannotti, who has 20 points in only 3 weeks of play, has had laser like focus in each of his matches.  One could only surmise that the cause for Bill’s keen and sharp focus is that he has a piece of double chocolate cake waiting in his car after the match.  More problems for Paul is that Bill’s swing speed recently topped out at an amazing 57 mph.  Neither of these guys are on the Statman’s team so their handicaps should be fairly distributed. 

Player of Note:   Paul Volpe is off to a torrid start this year.  His drives are 20-25 yards longer than last year and according to John Graham, who has been watching Paul’s body for nearly a year now,  there is more muscle packed onto his frame.  When asked about the reason for this enormous increase in the distance in his drives, Paul merely states that he now has learned the proper hinging of his wrist at the top of the swing.  Wait a minute now….    Paul, a doctor of physical therapy, who is firmly implanted in the medical field and the world of pharmacology, is asking league members to believe this “tall tale”.  Apparently a complaint has been filed with Thong League Rules Committee chairman, Jim “Slick” Wardick.  Wardick, whose committee hasn’t made a ruling in 4 years, said he is looking into it and may have league member, John “G-string” Graham forceably extract a urine sample from Mr. Volpe.  More on that later…

Match of the Week #4 May 19th

Steve “Statman” Richtarik  v.  Jim “Guinea Slayer” Hunter – This match is a made for TV show.  It is a classic Good against Evil showdown.  The quiet but power hungry “Statman”, who is 1/2 Italian on his mother’s side, has vowed to put his own hit on the “Guinea Slayer” and strike a blow for all Italians from Rhode Island to Sicily.  Hunter who, in the past, has successfully paid several visits to the “Statman’s” palatial estate in Cranston in order to ensure a more favorable handicap for upcoming matches, has stated that he can now legally beat the “Statman’s” brains in without the fear of going to jail.   Hunter will use all of his resources in an effort to ply the “Statman” with all kinds of liquor during this match.  With regards to handicaps, word is that the “Statman” has been working nonstop on his handicap program in his own efforts to elevate his handicap and to lower that of the Guinea Slayer.  In any event, fireworks will be nonstop during the match.

Players of Note    Tom O’Hearn, who, in a blockbuster trade on draft night, was sent packing from his former team  like a pregnant one-eyed hooker with a venereal disease, has been on fire of late.  After the first three matches of the season, Tom is undefeated and the leading points earner on his team with 18.  Apparently, the kind and gentle hand of captain Steve Richtarik suits O’Hearn well.  Tom has also shown that his game travels well as in a recent charity tournament, he led his team to a 3rd place finish by canning 3 birdie putts of at least 20 feet and several par putts in the 10 foot range.  O’Hearn nows carries the confident swagger of an Irish-Italian Tiger Woods.   It has been rumored that Tom is about to sign a mega contract and endorsement deal with “Belly’s” Golf School, owned and operated by the Thong League’s own, Bill Iannotti.  Tom rebuffed Bill Gelsomino’s attempts at getting him in the fold at “Gelly’s” Golf School because he felt that Gelsomino, over the years, has never really tried to elevate Tom’s game and that the only person presently attending “Gelly’s” has shown virtually no improvement in his game over the past 2 years and plays with too much emotion due to the enormous pressure placed upon him by Gelsomino to be the face of Gelly’s Golf School.  O’Hearn much prefers the laid back and casual atmosphere at “Belly’s”  where he can hit 3 0r 4 balls and then sit down and enjoy an unlimited supply of free “hot weiners” all the way and washed down with a large coffee milk.  The final rumor flying around is that Tom is incredibly back on the trading block where on draft night, he was traded for an empty bag of donut holes, captain Steve Richtarik is now seeking a king’s ransom for O’Hearn’s services.  As the season wears on, someone may be willing to give a lot for Tom’s services.  By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that the pregnant, one-eyed hooker was seen running from O’Hearn’s condo in North Providence.  More next week from this source….

Week #2 Matches of the Week


Match #1  - Jim “Guinea Slayer” Hunter  v.  Gus Delfarno –  Jim Hunter’s streak of not losing  to a league member of Italian heritage is still intact.   Last week Hunter and newcomer,  Mark Zito, waltzed to a 5 point tie.  Apparently, the Slayer couldn’t  entice Zito into  drinking enough alcohol to severely affect his game and turn the match in Hunter’s   favor.  After the match, Hunter  immediately sent a crew of old        school teamsters to  Steve Richtarik’s palatial estate in Cranston in order to “coax” a  more favorable  handicap for this week from our own  handicap guru.  This would  appear to be a  problem for newcomer, Gus Delfarno, in  this week’s match.  Gus, who spanked league  namesake, John “G-string” Graham last week (though some say Graham enjoyed the  spanking as much as he hated losing), has already begun  to downplay his quick start by  ”begging” all who could read, that last week’s results were an aberration.  Look for  league handicap guru, Steve Richtarik, to take some  liberties with Delfarno’s virgin  handicap in this week’s match.  We are not sure  whether Richtarik will mess with  Gus’ handicap because of last week’s play or  because of the visit that was paid to his home by Hunter’s boys.  Look for Steve Richtarik and ask him this week.  He will be the guy with the bandage on his head who is limping around the course.

Match #2 – Bob Moretti  v.  Ernie Panos The quiet and deliberate, Bob Moretti, will face off  against newly minted “hole in one king”, Ernie Panos.  Ernie, who has recently spent  a considerable amount of time at Gelly’s Golf School, appears to have a more mature  outlook to his game.   The question here is whether Bob can bring out the “old” Ernie in this week’s match where Ernie was not averse to uttering a string of expletives that would make a Marine blush while firing his club into the turf in an attempt to aerate the ground at his feet .  Also, rumors are also swirling that “Belly’s”, Bill  Iannotti’s golf  school, has been attempting to recruit Ernie away from Gelly’s Golf School.  We will  see if Ernie is sporting his “Gelly” shirt this week.  One of our  reporters overheard  Ernie griping that he is the one who has put Gelly’s on the map,  not vice versa and that if he is expected to stay in the Gelly camp, he will need  yet another Gelly’s shirt.   

Week #1 Match Results

HOORAY FOR ERNIE!!!!!    Yes that’s right, you heard it here first!!  Our own Ernie Panos, and the only member of Gelly’s Golf School, scored a hole in one at the 3rd hole at the  North Kingstown Golf Course this past Sunday.  Typically, Ernie was closed lipped about his recent success, though Bill Gelsomino, Ernie’s mentor and swing coach, was all to eager to take all of the credit.  Don’t worry Ernie, I will get the word out.  It appears that the drinks are on Ernie next week!!!!

John “G-String” Graham’s hopes for an undefeated season were dashed this week by newcomer upstart, Gus Delfarno.  Gus threw a cool “40″ at the diminutive but chubby Graham who rolled his way to a “45″.  The results:  Delfarno walked away with 7 points while the newly retired Graham skulked off with only 3 points. 

Bill Gelsomino and Steve “King of Myrtle Beach”  Placella clashed once again in this week’s  matches.  Placella, in rabbit like fashion, scooted off to a 3 hole lead after 4 holes over the struggling Gelsomino.  Not to be deterred, Gelsomino played even par over the next 4 holes and took a 1 hole lead going into #9.  Alas, the come back victory was not to be for Gelly as he double bogeyed the final hole and the match was halved.  Results:  King of MB 5; Gelly 5.  As both golfers recently returned from a tournament where Gelsomino was dominated in all but one match, it seems he has some work to do in the make shift driving range in his yard.  

The other Gelsomino, that’s right, young Derrick, threw a “44″ at newcomer and new father, Ken Norigian, who  limped in with a 51.  It appears that Ken tired after 3 holes, no doubt the result of numerous nightly diaper changes and breast feedings.  Don’t worry Ken.  It will get better, both your golf and your nocturnal adventures.  Results: Dgel  7 1/2; Ken 2  1/2.

Mike Simone, a returnee to the league this year, had his first match against the affable, good looking and yes, well dressed, Fran Chatelle.  This match was a doozie as both golfers shot 42 and and the difference was the welcome stroke that league handicap guru, Steve Richtarik  had Fran give to Mike on the 3rd hole.   Results:    Mike – 6; Fran 4.  Fran, who is used to getting, not giving strokes in his matches,  took off after the round to find his former friend and handicap guru Steve Richtarik, in search of some retribution for what he feels is Richtarik’s betrayal.

More to come….


Teams and Match Schedules

At the league meeting held on March 31st, the teams were randomly selected.  So click on the “Teams” tab on this website to take a look.


The schedule is out!!  Steve Richtarik has worked diligently through the night to come up with the match schedules for all.  Once again this year there will be 2 or 3 must see matches each week with certain players chirping and chirping and chirping!  The schedule has been posted and can be viewed on this website by clicking on the “schedule”  tab.  Remember, mark those matches where you want to bludgeon a certain opponent.

Voluntary practice Rounds on Thursday, April 14th and April 21st – tee times begin @ 4:16 pm.   Golfers new to the league, please keep your scores and give them to either Steve Placella or Steve Richtarik.





Walt’s Wenches Return Home from Florida with a decisive Victory over Slick’s Stoonods

2015 Florida Thong League Golf Trip


Final Day's ResultsDaily Tournament Results









This year, from November 11 – 16,   35  golfers and 2 pros descended upon Kissimmee, Florida in the annual battle for the coveted Thong Cup.  Once again, Jim “Slick” Wardick, much like the  captain of the Titanic, drove his team (Slick’s Stoonods) into the ocean floor.  You would think that Slick would get driving lessons as he keeps doing the same thing over and over and over again -.  Yep, Walt’s Wenches broke out to a 6 point lead after the first day of matches and thereafter kept the Stoonods barely in sight in their rear view mirror.  By the last day of matches, the Stoonods needed to win 15 out of the 18 match points available that day in order to pull out a victory.  Alas, it was not to be.  The Wenches cruised to yet another lopsided victory over the disgruntled Stoonods.  Frank Fezzuoglio, one of the more verbal Stoodnods, said that new leadership was needed and that Slick and his assistant, Ed DiMartino, may soon find themselves in the trunk of an old Cadillac.  Fezzuoglio went on to say that Slick wouldn’t fit in the trunk of a mid size car or smaller.  He did say however, that Ed D would fit nicely in the trunk of one of those little smart cars.  Other observers felt that Slick was more interested in eating at Walt Geer’s condo than he was urging his team to victory.  Slick did make one final desperate effort to disrupt the Wenches’  juggernaut.  Slick and Ed DiMartino, after a night of alcoholic adventures, exploded into Walt Geer’s condo at 3:30 am on Saturday, prior to the third day of matches (so-called moving day).  After waking and disrupting all on the first floor and upset that all sleeping on the 2nd floor were ignoring his overtures, Slick, with cat like quickness, bolted up the stairs and proceeded to body slam Steve Placella who was having his own dream about the 75 that he had shot on the previous Thursday thereby bringing his dream to a very premature end.  Next, Slick extracted Walt Geer’s mattress from his bed (with Walt on it for a very short time) and dragged it down to the first floor family room.  Luckily, Walt saw the wisdom in rolling off the mattress before it went down the stairs one by one by one.  Once all were awake and in the 1st floor family room, more chaos ensued and continued until all left for the golf course later that morning.  There was not a wink of sleep to be had after 3:30 that morning.  Not lost in the aftermath of Slick’s chaotic adventure, was Ken Norigian’s diabolical use of a cell phone app that provided fake phone calls and had some golfer’s delivering personal items to other golfers at ungodly hours.  For that, Ken has been named the  Thong League’s Director of Communications and IT.  We figured it was best to have him on our side than against.  Needless to say, most of Saturday’s scores  left a lot to be desired.  By Sunday’s final tournament matches,  the Stoonods’ goose was cooked and the sweet smell of victory was wafting through the Wenches’ condos.  Dan Deinzer and the Buffalo boys once again did a wonderful job for Saturday’s cookout and Dan, as always, kept his famous Bloody Marys flowing.


The Thong League Lands in Orlando

In two short days, the Thong League, with a contingent of 34 golfers, will be taking over the Hapimag Resort in Orlando, Florida, for its annual golf extravaganza.  The teams have been selected, the handicaps have been set (despite some whining) and the match schedules have been finalized.  The following golf courses are on the menu and will be served up to a hungry group of golfers:  Champions Gate Country Club, Grand Cypress Golf Club – The New Course, Southern Dunes Golf Club, Shingle Creek Golf Club, Disney Magnolia Golf Club, Disney Palm Golf Club and the spectacular , Ritz Carlton Golf Club.  All of the courses are the best that are available in that area, so none of the usual excuses should be in play, ie., “There were stones in the bunker,  there was hard pan in the rough, the greens were plugged”, etc.  So good luck to all and let your balls fly long and straight!!!


The “Queens of Myrtle Beach”  pranced to a one (1)  point victory over the “Statmen” in the Thong League’s end of year Ryder Cup tournament at the Connecticut National Golf Club.    While the “Queens”  flitted off to an early substantial lead,  the “Statmen”  nearly sneaked in the back door with a late push of their own.  

The biggest “Queen” of the day was none other than the diminutive, but chubby, John “G-string” Graham who shot a gross 76 (net 66) with 3 birdies on the day.  It should be noted that John’s cartmate for the day, was Vin “Maggott” Lafazia, who farted his way to an 82 for the day.

Some individual accolades on the day:

Long Drive Competition:   Steve “Statman” Richtarik  - 284 yards.    The “Statman’s” surprising victory was not without controversy however.  Apparently, the “Statman’s”  brother in law, Doug Sherman, was perched in a golf cart along the right side of the fairway at 284 yards out on the 1st hole making sure that no one messed with Steve’s ball.  All of a sudden, last year’s long drive champ, Ken Mason  (name changed recently to Ken Audette), boomed a drive at Doug’s cart which was sure to pass the Statman’s puny, but leading drive.  Well Mason’s ball whistled under Sherman’s cart  where visual authentication was lost by Thong League drones for at least three (3) seconds.  Thereafter, Mason’s ball appeared to be mysteriously redirected into a sand trap just off the fairway, coming to rest 290 yards from the tee.  As Mason’s ball was now off the fairway, he was knocked from the competition.   Vin LaFazia reports that he heard the “Statman”  shout a “thank you” to his brother in law, Doug. 

Putting Competition:      Ernie Panos – 8’2″.      Ernie has apparently resurrected his game and has given all of the credit to “Gelly’s Golf School” .   As Ernie was giving his post competition remarks  and attributes to Gelly’s,  Derrick Gelsomino was laughing so hard that he fell out of his golf cart and was nearly struck by one of Ernie’s errant club tosses.  Jim Hunter, whose putt held 1st place for a while, predicted that this league would be a union shop next year with union people monitoring and scoring the events.

Sand Bunker Competition:         Bob Moretti – 3’2″.     Bob nearly missed the competition as someone had to retrieve  him from his foursome still playing on the 14th green.   True to form, Bob, one of the final players to compete in this competition, played the slope perfectly and rolled it to 3’2″, certainly within 3 putt range for even Steve Placella.

Short Iron Competition:        John “G-string” Graham – hole out from 45 yards –  This is the 2nd year in a row that a player has holed out in this competition.  Last year, good guy, Bob Johnson, holed one from 80 yards.  Graham put on a show in order to dispel the very loud rumors that his game was as dead as  Dean Wormer and Doug Niedermeyer in the movie “Animal House”.  He did it with his usual bold style.  

Closest to Pin Winners:      Ken Mason #4,  Ray Castigliego #7 (though Steve Placella was actually an inch closer),  Armand Monaco #9,  Bill Gelsomino #11  and Derrick Gelsomino #15.