Filed Under: News
A Division Finals
Gus Delfarno v Steve Placella
Joe Molis v Jack Harrington
B Division Finals
Nick Guadagno v Paul Autiello
Note: Both Bob Maresca and Frank Mariano are unavailable so Nick Guadagno and Paul Autiello will play the only “B” match.
All golfers from our league are welcome to come and play as well on Thursday!!!
Remember!!! League Tournament on Saturday September 10th at Ct National Golf Club
Tee times begin at 10:40 am; Range balls are free; skills competition after the round; Apps and Dinner after the round at the golf course. Check this website and click on the “LEAGUE TOURNAMENT” tab.
By the way, 3 league members, Paul Volpe, Bob Masello and Nick Guadagno are all anxiously awaiting the birth of their first born children. Let’s all say a prayer for great health for the moms and babies. Also, Paul Volpe’s clubs are now for sale at a very, very discounted price. He will no longer have any use for them. Ditto for Bob Masello who is just giving his away. Nick Guadagno’s father in law, none other than Paul Autiello, took Nick’s clubs and won’t give them back to him for the next 15 years or so!! Good luck to all and enjoy fatherhood!!
Congratulations to the team of Ken Mason, Mark Zito, Ken Norigian and Bill Iannotti for finishing in 2nd place in the regular season 2016 Thursday Night Thong League!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mason’s Mutts made a valiant effort in the one match playoff for league supremacy. However, their best efforts fell just short. The Mutts’ opponents, led by their A2 division player who played a near perfect round (38) and their B2 division player, who, playing his match as well as the match of his B1 division absent partner, smoked their competition. The Mutts’ A1 opponent once again couldn’t get the job done for his team as he choked on the final hole and lost his match to A1 division point leader, Ken Mason.
More on these matches and the first round of the playoffs to follow…….
Here we are at week #14 and the team standings are very, very close. The Mason’s “Mutts” are leading Graham’s “Girlymen” by a mere 1/2 point at this stage of play. Ken Mason’s crew, with he and Bill Iannotti each leading his own division in points earned, have some tough matches this Thursday. Mason and Mark Zito will either be playing Joe Molis and Gus Delfarno, respectively, or if Delfarno is his usual “no show”, both will be playing Molis. Molis has vowed to destroy anyone in his way to the league individual points and MVP championships. Mason responded that he “would crush Molis like the bug that he is”. Bill Iannotti will be playing newcomer, Frank Mariano, a strong player in his division while Ken Norigian will take on rookie, Paul Autiello in a tough match. Ken has vowed to talk Paul into submission during their match. John Graham is playing against his out of league match partner, Fran Chatelle. Fran will be sporting some new duds as he just scoffed at Graham’s outfit of last week. Fran has been snake bit of late as he feels that all of his opponents play their best against him. Let’s see what happens. Abdullah LaFazia, now clean shaven and using his birth name of John, will be playing none other that Bill “Gelly” Gelsomino who has had a rough year in match play. Long hitting John will probably only see Gelly on the tees and greens on all of the par 4s and 5s. Gelly has been practicing all week and has has privately told close friends that he is going to “take out” that kid. ” I’m the king of this league”. In the other Graham matches, Nick Guadagno, a rookie with a bundle of points, will be taking on the underperforming and limoncello, aficionado, Bob Brown. Also, newcomer, Bob Maresca, no slouch in the point department, will be taking on the oft volatile, Ernie Panos. It looks like Panos’ fascination with Gelly’s Golf School is about over, as his game has suffered all season long.
‘Smilin Joe’ Molis v Dan ‘Pretty Boy’ DeQuattro - This will be a great match between two close friends and roommates on our Florida Golf Trip who know each other “intimately”. Each who would like nothing more than to beat the other’s head in on the course. ’Smilin Joe’ has moved up to the A2 Division and has bulldozed his way through the entire league this year and consequently, has just about wrapped up the league individual point championship. ‘Pretty Boy’ Dan stands in the way and when he is on his game, is as tough a match as there is in the league. The real question here is whether Joe will, once again tap dance inside Dan’s head throughout the match. If he does, then the match will be over by the 6th hole. Last week as he was leaving the golf course, ‘Smilin Joe’ was heard to say about his upcoming match with ‘Pretty Boy’, ”I’m going to squash that hairless wonder. I will be inside his head early and will not let up. He is no match for me”. Dan’s response was as follows, “F#*k him! I’m going to smoke that pr*#k”! Dan then headed off to his barber for a full body shave and then to the gym in an attempt to further reduce his body fat to 3%. Prediction – ‘Pretty Boy’ in a close upset over ‘Smilin Joe’
Steve “El Presidente” Placella v. John “G-String” Graham – Placella, who has been working out at the gym daily with Vin LaFazia, will bring his well chiseled body to the 1st tee this week ready for all of ‘G=String’s’ tricks. The best man at Graham’s most recent wedding to the talented and beautiful, Lisa Arruda Graham, Placella has been urging Mrs. Graham to end the marriage by forcefully and with a quick upward thrust, inserting an ice pick into ‘G-String’s’ ear canal while he is sleeping. The quiet and low key Graham, who, as a result, now sleeps with one eye open, is a new retiree from the state’s workforce. As a result, he has his golf game in full gear, playing several times per week. Placella says that he has a strategy in place to bring down the diminutive but still chubby Graham. “I’m going to wear my earphones and not respond to his ongoing insults and disruptions. I’m going to take that hairless little bastard down so hard that he will beg for the ice pick”! Graham, who has suffered a hearing loss in the workplace, in response once again turned to Vin LaFazia, another hearing loss casualty and asked, “What did that fat jerk say”? LaFazia’s response, “What”. Graham asked LaFazia again, “What did that fat jerk say”? LaFazia once again responded, “What”? Graham then disgustedly waved off LaFazia and waddled off. Graham, when asked about his own strategy for the match, revealed only parts of his plan as follows, “To start, I’m going to put pastrami sandwiches on the 1st, 2nd and 3rd tees. That fat jerk won’t be able to resist and as a result, he will be falling asleep by the 5th hole. Also, every time I hit a lob wedge 150 yards, I’m going to walk by his fat face, show him the ‘L’ on the wedge and say ‘Lob Wedge’. Finally, over the past week, in order to increase that fat jerk’s appetite and with the full cooperation of his vengeful, intelligent and beautiful wife, Cindy, ‘weed’ has been inserted into his sleep apnea mask while he sleeps at night”. Word is that Mr. ’G-String’ has other tricks up his sleeve as well. - Prediction – Who knows and who cares.
MATCHES OF THE WEEK FOR WEEK #12
John “G-string” Graham v. Joe “Smilin’ Joe” Molis - This should be a doozy of a match. Graham has been playing well of late and both his team and he individually are pushing the divisional leaders for league supremacy. Smilin’ Joe has been a virtual buzz saw all season long as he has taken on all comers in the “A” division and has sent them packing with a boot in the behind. Ever humble, Joe said for all that were in earshot, “It’s amazing that each so-called “A” golfer that I’ve played in this bogus league has succumbed to the relentless pressure that my game places on them and of course, to my winning personality”. He also said for all to hear with regards to his match against John Graham, “I can’t wait to play that fat, hairless son of a bitch. I know all of his tricks. He’s a dead man”. All Graham, who has suffered hearing loss as a result of his former very strenuous state position, could say was, “What did he say?” Graham then turned to Vin “Maggott” Lafazia, no slouch in the hearing loss department, and asked him, “What did he say?” LaFazia then turned to Graham and said, “What”? Graham then repeated, “What did he say?” LaFazia said again, “What”? Graham then repeated, “What did he say?” LaFazia then said… WELL YOU GET THE PICTURE… This should be a very, very, very volatile match.
Bob Moretti v. Jim McLaughlin - Bob and newcomer, Jim are each ranked #1 in the B1 & B2 individual standings respectively at this stage of the season. While Jim ran off to an early lead in the individual points race and has led the division for most of the season, Bob has been on fire of late and caught and passed Jim Meikle a few weeks ago. At present, both guys have earned 59 1/2 points so far and each is clinging to a two (2) point lead over his 2nd place divisional challenger. Because both of these guys are gentlemen, I doubt if there will be any trash talking going on. In fact, both of these guys are pretty quiet, so there may be no talking at all… This will be a great match to watch.
Jim Meikle v. Tom “TO” O’Hearn - Jim is in 2nd place in the B1 division and Tom is tied for 3rd in the B2 divisions. While each has led his own division at varying times this year, each golfer comes into this match in a bit of a slump and looking a bit dazed and confused. Meikle has yet to get settled after taking a week off and having no points awarded for that week and O’Hearn appears to have hit the wall over the last few weeks. It seems that O’Hearn, a staunch Democrat and Hillary Clinton supporter, led his division for a good stretch this season. Apparently, “TO” didn’t like the view from the mountain top and has quickly slid down to a more comfortable 3-4 position in his division. “TO”s mom, a wonderful woman who is a devout Catholic of Itlalian descent, has taken out all of the stops for this match. She has worn her rosary beads down to a nub, and has met with her local pastor, the Bishop and the Pope in order to get them on board with the “prayer train” for “TO”. She has traveled near and far in search of a miracle for her bambino, “TO”. Failing that, word is out that “TO”s mom is carrying an ice pick and has vowed to place it cleanly, quietly and with finality into the ear of any of “TO”s opponent. Our investigators report that she may be disguised as “TO”s caddy this week. So Jim, a word to the wise… If you see a short, little old Italian lady adorned with rosary beads and lugging “TO” s bag from his car, stay in your own vehicle and forfeit the match. This can only end badly for you….
SMILING JOE MOLIS MADE THONG LEAGUE HISTORY THIS PAST THURSDAY NIGHT WHEN HE BECAME THE FIRST LEAGUE MEMBER TO CARD A HOLE IN ONE IN LEAGUE PLAY. JOE, USING A SAWED OFF 9 IRON ON THE 14TH HOLE, ALONG WITH HIS PLAYNG GROUP, HAD A CLEAR VIEW OF THE HISTORIC SHOT AS IT HIT, ROLLED AND DOVE INTO THE CUP. PLAYING IN MOLIS’ GROUP, RAY CASTIGLIEGO TRIED TO TAKE CREDIT FOR THE SHOT AS HE APPARENTLY YELLED “GO IN” AS MOLIS’ BALL NEARED THE HOLE. RAY HAS INSISTED TO ALL WITHIN EARSHOT, THAT THE BALL OBEYED HIS COMMAND. SO, TO ALL LEAGUE MEMBERS, WHEN YOU SEE JOE NEXT WEEK, GIVE HIM A HUG AND A PECK ON THE CHEEK FOR HIS ACCOMPLISHMENT. I AM SURE THAT HE WILL RECIPROCATE. ALSO, FOR JOE’S FEAT, THE LEAGUE WILL BE PRESENTING HIM WITH A TWO NIGHT STAY FOR TWO AT “THE BACK DOOR CUDDLE AND BUBBLE LODGE”. JOE HAS ALREADY SELECTED HIS LONG TIME PARTNER, “PRETTY BOY” DAN DEQUATTRO AS HIS “LUCKY” TRAVELING COMPANION. RUMOR HAS IT THAT DAN IS ALREADY HAVING HIS BODY BUFFED AND IS PACKING HIS FAVORITE LOTIONS, GELLS AND LUBRICANTS…
ON ANOTHER FRONT, BILL “GELLY” GELSOMINO, FULFILLING HIS BUCKET LIST DREAM THIS PAST WEEKEND, SET ANOTHER RECORD THAT MAY NOT BE SURPASSED FOR MANY, MANY YEARS. THE REASON THAT IT WILL PROBABLY ENDURE FOR MANY YEARS, IS NOT THAT IS WAS HARD TO ACHIEVE, BUT THAT IT WILL BE HARD TO FIND ANYONE NUTS ENOUGH TO ATTEMPT THE FEAT. ON JULY 9TH, WHILE AT THE BAREFOOT RESORT AND GOLF CLUB IN NORTH MYRTLE BEACH, SOUTH CAROLINA WITH HIS LOVELY AND VERY UNDERSTANDING WIFE, DONNA, BILL, OVER A 12 HOUR PERIOD OF TIME, PLAYED ALL 4 CHAMPIONSHIP COURSES AT THE RESORT. THAT’S RIGHT! HE PLAYED 72 HOLES ON 4 REGULATION COURSES, IN ONE DAY AND IN THE SPACE OF 12 HOURS. JUST AS HE PREFERS, BILL PLAYED WITH HIMSELF FOR ALL 4 ROUNDS. CONGRATULATIONS BILL!!!
Just past the half way point in the season, some interesting and yes surprising results are on the scorer’s table.
Rookie of the 1st half: Jim McLaughlin – This previously unknown newcomer has been bulldozing his way through opponent after opponent. Easily leading his division by a wide margin in individual points, Jim’s consistent and spectacular match play has kept his team in 1st place during the first half of the season. His play has even caused his team captain, Vin LaFazia, to bust out into a rare smile when Jim’s name has been mentioned.
Comeback Players of the 1st half: Tom “TO” O’Hearn and Bill Iannotti – Both Tom and Bill took last year off from league play in order to work on their games. Last year, Tom chose to weed out all of the demons that had crept into his game and Bill chose to fix his game by bulking up through gastronomical therapy. Regardless of the journey, each player has been a force in his individual play this year. Tom and Bill are #s 1 & 2, respectively, in individual points in their division. Tom, as you may remember, was unceremoniously traded by team captain, Steve Placella, on draft night for Kevin Lawrence, who was at that time, on the PUP (physically unable to perform) list. O’Hearn, when he heard of the trade, told anyone who would listen that “that fat bastard, Placella, will rue the day that he traded me. This trade will be in the same category as when the Red Sox traded Babe Ruth to the Yankees”. So far, Tom has been correct, except for the “fat bastard” part of course. Tom’s play has kept his otherwise underperforming team within striking distance and in the mix in 5th place at this point in the season. As a result, O’Hearn’s team captain, Steve “Statman” Richtarik, is a shoe in for league executive of the year for his role in orchestrating the trade with the befuddled Placella. Bill Iannotti’s play to this point has placed his team in 3rd place and just a few points behind the league leaders. In fact, it has been reported that Iannotti recently had a long meeting with team captain, Ken Mason, regarding his role on the team and some new perks that Bill could expect. Word is that team captain, Ken Mason, will be personally scrubbing Bill’s balls prior to each match…
Underachievers of the 1st half: Bill “Gelly” Gelsomino & Jim “Slick” Wardick - We never saw this coming. Ever the competitors, Bill and Jim have become a parody of themselves. Now, other league members now just point, whisper and even laugh at them. Gelly has gone 0 for 8 in his matches, failing to win any in the 1st half. Bemoaning the fact that he is giving substantial strokes in each and every match, it seems that Bill has thrown in the towel, knowing that the “Statman” and his mysterious handicapping program will continue to keep that weight on Gelly’s back. Gelly, whose team has jumped between last and next to last in the league standings all season to date, was heard to say recently, “All that remains is to get ready for the playoffs”. Even Ernie Panos, the only student in “Gelly’s Golf School”, and a staunch supporter, has been wavering. He was seen huddling with Bill Iannotti recently and thereafter wolfing down 3 wieners all the way with a coffee milk. “Slick” Wardick’s game is anything but slick. In fact it has been stuck in the mud for weeks now. He has been getting pounded each week by who he thinks are lesser opponents. Unless Slick picks up his game and fast, “Mediocraty” will soon become his new nickname. Ever confidant, Slick recently stated to anyone who would listen, that he has been making some swing changes and expects to become his old intimidating self in the 2nd half of the season. We shall see and soon…
Bill Iannotti destroyed the demur Ernie Panos in this hotly contested match, 6 1/2 points to 3 1/2. From the first hole on, Iannotti controlled the match while Ernie was seen flailing his arms and heard shouting out the names of various parts of the female anatomy. At the conclusion of the match, Ernie ripped off his Gelly’s Golf School shirt, urinated on it and then threw it into the trash while screaming to all within earshot, “that fu#*ing Bill Gelsomino is a fraud. I’m done with that bootleg school. I’m going with “Belly’s” Golf School & Weinerama”. Hey Mr. Iannotti, I’ll take 6 weiners all the way and a coffee milk”.
Steve “Statman” Richtarik flexed his muscles in his much anticipated match against Jim “Slick” Wardick. The Slickster didn’t win a hole against the “Statman” as the aging behemoth stormed off to his lair without comment after the match. The “Statman” was all to eager to comment on the slaughter by yelling to all nearby, “I am the greatest!! I am the greatest!! I am a very pretty man!!! I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee!!! Immediately after the match, the “Statman” jetted off to Louisville, KY for the funeral of his mentor.
Ken Mason annihilated ”that old fool”, Bill Gelsomino, by a score of 8 1/2 points to 1 1/2 in their match. The death rattle in Gelsomino’s game could be heard throughout Triggs last Thursday. ”Gelly” who has yet to win a match over the first 7 weeks of the season, is at a loss to explain ‘what the hell has happened to his game’. Word is out that Gelsomino is contemplating retirement as we have been told that he has signed up for a Thursday night over 80 senior shuffleboard league that begins on July 7th. When Ken Mason heard of this recent development, he offered this comment, “That old fool is an anchor on the A division. Virtually every point he has gotten this year has been a pity point. He’s gonna get his ass kicked in that shuffleboard league too. Good riddance!”
REMEMBER! THIS THURSDAY JUNE 16TH IS A TEAM EVENT. YOU WILL PLAY IN A FOURSOME (OR WHOM EVER SHOWS UP FROM YOUR TEAM) WITH ALL OF YOUR TEAM MEMBERS. TAKE THE 2 BEST BALLS ON EACH HOLE. EACH PLAYER’S BALL MUST BE USED ON AT LEAST 2 HOLES. HANDICAPS ARE IN PLAY. THE “STATMAN” WILL PROVIDE THE CARDS. CASH PRIZES TO THE WINNERS. ALL GOLFERS SHOULD TRY TO BE AT THE COURSE BY 4 PM IF POSSIBLE SO THAT THINGS CAN MOVE ALONG. NOTE!! IF YOU ARE NOT SHOWING UP, LET STEVE RICHTARIK KNOW BY WEDNESDAY AT THE LATEST.
Match #1: Bill Iannotti v Ernie Panos: Iannotti, the owner of ”Belly’s Golf School and Weinerama”, has long coveted Ernie’s golf potential and has aggressively pursued him as the shining star of his golf school. Panos, on the other hand, continues to have an illogical and delusional allegiance to aging former athlete, Bill Gelsomino and his pathetic Gelly’s Golf School. As the only student in Gelly’s Golf School, Ernie realizes that he carries the fiscal success of the school on his sagging shoulders as Gelly has bet his retirement and the proverbial ranch on its success. You can bet that Iannotti will put the hard sell on Ernie and play to destroy Ernie in their match, just to show him what could be if he joined “Belly’s” ranks. Look for Bill Gelsomino to try to get into their foursome in order to give Ernie some ongoing encouragement and tips. Prediction: Belly 7 Ernie 3.
Match #2: Steve “Statman” Richtarik v Jim “Slick” Wardick: After last week’s handicap miscue by the “Statman” and his vow to “give no more strokes”, you can bet that Steve, our handicap guru, will be getting and not giving strokes in this match. Though he beat up on the nubile rookie, Gus Delfarno, last week, it was certainly clear by all observers that “Slick” no longer carries the aura of authority and intimidation that has surrounded him for so long. Whispers have abounded this year that “Slick’s” game is way beyond its prime and he is just hanging on like CC Sabathia in the last year of his contract. Prediction: Statman 6 Slick 4.
Bill Gelsomino v Ken Mason: ”Gelly” , who has been taunting the sweet swinging Mason for years, may meet his match this week. Mason, who last year called Gelly a scrawny old fool and said that Gelly couldn’t be a has been athlete because he is “a never was athlete”, has vowed to destroy Bill in their match. Bill, on the other hand, has taken the week off from work and has been feverishly hitting balls into his back yard net in hopes of finding any swing that works and is repeatable. Prediction: Mason 6 1/2 to 3 1/2.
WEEK # 6 RESULTS BELOW
Bill Iannotti v Tom ”TO” O’Hearn Well the bubble has burst!! Bill Iannotti crushed ”TO” in their match by a score of 7 1/2 to 2 1/2 points. O’Hearn, had been riding “high” the last few weeks, winning match after match after match in decisive fashion and singlehandedly carrying Steve Richtarik’s team to the upper echelon of the league standings. Alas, as Bill Iannotti stated immediately after their match, “TO” went down as fast as a $2 hooker”. Iannotti rode ”TO” hard from the first hole to the last and O’Hearn has the whip marks, both real and psychological, to prove it. The question now is can “TO” rebound in his week 7 match against Armand Monaco. Monaco, who took note of the “TO” beating, immediately scooted off to the gym and started working on his body in an attempt to get his cardio up and his body fat % down. Armand has vowed to destroy “TO” in their match.
Jim “Guinea Slayer” Hunter v. Fran Chatelle The “Guinea Slayer” scored points on 8 out of 9 holes and cruised to a 6 1/2 to 3 1/2 point win over the the dapper Frenchman. Taking a respite from his weekly slaughter of the league’s Italo-American members, Hunter trained his sights on Chatelle, a French apologist. In a fashion true to his heritage, Fran was on the run and hiding throughout the match. After the match, Hunter was heard to say, “Bring on the next Bum, but with a vowel at the end of his name!!” Next opponent for the “Slayer”, Bob Masello.
Bill Gelsomino v Ray Castigliego Bill Gelsomino’s descent into mediocraty continues. Ray Castig, always the gentleman, cruised to a 6 1/2 to 3 1/2 point win over Gelly. At one point Ray won three straight holes putting the match out of reach. Gelly, who is now just as accustomed to making double bogeys as he used to be making pars, has been on a downward slide lately. After the match, Ray Castig was heard to say loud enough for all to hear, “Now I can tee off whenever I want”!!!
Steve “Statman” Richtarik v. Mark Zito The “Statman” was absolutely embarrassed by newcomer and Richtarik’s co-worker, Mark Zito. Zito crushed the “Statman” by running away with an 8 to 2 point win. Richtarik was never in the game as Zito ran roughshod over him from the first hole. Apparently the “Statman” hit the wrong keystroke on his computer and instead of having Zito giving the “Statman” 7 strokes during the match, all of the candy was given to Zito. ”Statman” , embarrassed by the beat down and more embarrassed by the handicapping error, has vowed to never give strokes again.